Catholic social club ousts coven of witches

The Diocese of Shrewsbury is risking soured milk and sickly cattle after deciding a coven of witches could not hold its annual shindig on Catholic premises.

The Crystal Cauldron, led by High Priestess Sandra Davis, booked the Our Lady's Social Club in Shaw Heath, Stockport for the Witches' Ball, scheduled for October. According to the Telegraph, when she rang to sort the £175 payment, she was told to find an alternative venue for the pagan knees-up.

A furious Davis, who'd already printed tickets for the event, hubbled and bubbled: "I'm appalled. My congregation is shocked that in this day and age there can be such religious discrimination. We're normal people who follow an earth-based religion and want to enjoy ourselves.

"We thought we were bridging the gap with other religions but misconceptions still exist, like we sacrifice animals. Does the church check everyone's beliefs before allowing them in the club?"

She added: "Now we need another venue for at least 100 people with a stage for entertainment. At this point that's going to be very difficult."

That's too bad, according to the Diocese of Shrewsbury's Reverend John Joyce, who confirmed: "Parish centres under our auspices let their premises on the understanding users and their organisations are compatible with the ethos and teachings of the Catholic church. In this instance, we aren't satisfied such requirements are met."

We'd like to suggest the Crystal Cauldron forms an unholy alliance with the Somerset Yum Yum Yoga group which was in 2007 similarly barred from a Baptist church hall for "promoting other spiritualities" with its hideous "unchristian" practices.

This combined heathen force would doubtless be able - through striking potent asanas in front of a steaming cauldron of witches' brew - be able to conjure a spirit of peace and love between the UK's myriad faiths. ®