Readers suffer transatlantic sense of humour collapse

Letters We are a nation of fakers, it is true. A recent survey has unmasked us as such, pointing out that plenty of us have misused identity documents, conned security guards, lied, cheated, stolen and eaten our grandmothers:

Interesting statistics - I feel that perhaps they are a little on the small side - a quick straw poll of my colleagues ( working in an IT Security Department for a significant international bank - all vetted for our "honesty" ) has nearly 100% of us having used or created a forged ID in our youth for the purposes of the acquisition of substances deemed unsuitable for children ( e.g. ciggies and booze ).

Absolutely 100% of us have "misused ID or access control systems by impersonating someone else or had assisted someone else to do so" ( e.g. lent our access card to the bloke that's forgotten his so he can go to the bog. )

But the major one not covered in the survey is the 100% of people in the country who have committed fraud by saying "the cheque is in the post, haven't you got it yet ?" to our creditors !

Such a survey is a load of c**p designed to sell a solution that it's only a matter of time before someone gets around.

Keep up the excellent work.

Si

Yes but of the faking ID cards did it ask how many of these were changing the date of birth on a student ID card when they were under 18 so they would be able to get served?

Or altering an under 16 bus pass just after their 16 birthday to give them another year of reasonable priced travel?

I would suspect that if you removed these 2 (which most people of 17 have probably either done, thought about or know someone that does) the percentage of fake ID usage will be pretty low

Anon

More patching for Windows users:

Does Mr. Leyden's carefully-chosen subtitle of "Persistence of memory" mean to suggest that using Windows is akin to a surrealist nightmare?

Alex.

Pomegranates.

"even on systems running Windows XP with Service Pack 2."

C'mon. As if somebody believed that auto-protection a-la stuff that SP2 brought in, will ever solve security problems. It just closed one of the doors - stack overflows are no-go now.

Problems are always lay with application logic: if remote site can trick application that its user to say format his/her hard drive - no OS protection will ever help.

Ihar

So, tell us Ihar, when did you first notice your allergy to the definite article?

The discovery that Google is awash with porn shocks no one, disappoints some:

Google Base awash with porn? I should be so lucky. The link you provided displays a whole bunch of prissy sex education titles.

Well excuse me for being picky, but when it comes time for a spot of executive relief, my first choice of one-handed reading material is NOT "Sex Education: Pesky Puberty DVD", which is advertised with the quote: "That’s why the government put together a series of films to help teens learn what was going on with their changing bodies."

Oh wow, sex advice compiled by a civil servant! Does it get any raunchier?

Call me a disgusting degenerate, but government sex education films do not qualify as "porn" in my book. But then I do live in Holland, so maybe that soft-core stuff just doesn't cut it for me any more.

Yours, in a state of sexual disappointment,

David

Anything for a reader: David, you are a disgusting degenerate.

Hmmm. What shall we do to pass the time? Let's have a browser security summit:

Removing SSLv2 completely simply removes the user's choice.

If a website insists on using SSLv2 or nothing, if SSLv2 is not available then no encryption can be used at all, putting the user in a worse position than before.

Steve.

... It's as if Hitler, Stalin, Chairman Mao and Mussolini all sat down at a table together and, calmly and rationally, held an open discussion on how to control rebellious peasants. Just to make it clear, I'm not saying that browser developers are like evil mass murderers... I mean, it's more to do with the fact that the lot of them are, in theory, mortal enemies but are actually banding together to solve common problems.

Also, seeing everybody, including IE, drop support for SSLv2 simultaneously is definitely a good sign. That'll give a good kick up the arse to website admins too lazy to use decent encryption.

Richard

Good to see you keeping a sense of proportion about it all. Well done.

A town in Idaho, formerly known as Santa, has renamed itself secretsanta.com. Of course it has. Why wouldn't it? In the course of conveying this information, we may have mentioned the fair county of Essex:

Oi!

I'm from Essex and I take offence to your suggestion that Essex girls are dirty fetid whores. Yes, it's true, but I still take offence. I don't have any sisters though so I don't have to swear at you out of misguided loyalty.

A pox on you, sir! (if you'd been with an Essex girl you'd already have it)

R

Where does this leave my home village of Branston?

Peter

Er, in a pickle? [That's it, Sherriff, clear your desk - Ed]

A straw poll of the general public, commissioned by No2ID, finds a near perfect split in opinion on the government's longed-for identity cards:

Given the accuracy of these kinds of surveys, and the precision to which they can be considered reliable, it looks to me like support for the ID card is staying firmly in the middle of "we don't really know".

Basically half the people say yes, and half say no. To read anything more into the survey is foolish and the no2id campaign should stop twisting the statistics.

I hate the idea of an ID card but i hate people twisting weak statistics even more - whatever side they are on.

This whole thing just highlights how impossible it is to have a democracy if you don't bother to educate your population. I can't remember a government that ever did anything good for education so it's not surprising that the swiss-cheese hive-mind of Britain says "Errrrr.... not really sure one way or another, we need more TV programs to tell us what to think"

Keyripes.

Mark

It seems that, yet again, we are going to have to consider resurrecting the flashing "joke alert" sign for readers of a gullible disposition. Yes, it seems that a couple of our recent attempts at humour (which seem to have gone down well in most quarters) have passed far above the heads of some of you.

For example, we ran a poorly disguised fake picture of our very own Joe Fay and Oracle's Larry Ellison having a beer in the nuddy. We thought it was fairly obvious that it was a couple of random blokes having an ice bath that had been subjected to the sophisticated photoshopping technique of sticking someone's head on someone else's body.

Apparently not:

if u squint ur eyes the face is recognisable

weather it is a photo or on the telly in that respect. On the latter they now use circles to deface the picture, with squares u just have to squint ur eyes to be able to see them. This has been a public secret for years and ur still ujsing it. I'll have a laugh when I see him in the street.

d0c

Ah well.

Then, consider the bloggers. The following responses to our coverage of the RottingDog blog really do encapsulate exactly the point we have been trying to make about the blogosphere:

From Large American Person:

Do you all celebrate Thanksgiving in HK? If so, have a happy one.

From Small Hong Kong Person

No I am afraid we are unbelievers when it comes to Thanksgiving on the grounds that the Pilgrim Fathers realised that they were not in Asia but America. Instead here in Hong Kong with its melting pot of communities we celebrate pagan festivals and offer incense to the gods Hindu Buddhist Taoist and animist and go to Mass and communion and the mosque and consult birds, palms, feet, monks, astrologers, feng shui masters, Christ, Mary and all the Saints. My neighbours used bring out the fire brigade every year at Cheung Yeung Festival (grave-sweeping) by burning incense at great-grandpa's and great-grandma's graves and being surprised when the entire bone-dry hillside went up in smoke.

Gunlaw

Note that without the French, the British would have little or no purpose on this earth since it seems they are mostly keeping busy ranting about the French.

Maybe I should start a blog reporting mishaps and mayhem involving British toursists all over the world? Nah; it would be too much work and I've got much more productive things to do.

Cheers lads and lasses,

Mirko

Bastille day celebrates the French Revolution, not the liberation of Paris in WWII.

Barry

what are you claiming that the french attitude toward homosexuality is?

eren

None of these even merit a cutting riposte. So we'll save the pixels and move on to the final item this week

Yes, the ultimate accessory for your iPod: a vibrator.

Better make sure you haven't got any of those 250db DRM-crippled mp3s from SunComm on your iPod before you plug in this thing...

Alun

This is going to put a whole new twist on album reviews... I wonder if it will result in a new trend for slap bass?

Matt

I am not a woman and do not intend to become one, but I have to say that a vibrating mobile doesn't fill me with pleasure but embarrassment, as it always makes me feel as if I'd wet myself. Since I realised this, my mobile has stayed in the drawer, switched off. I don't use it any more. I hate it.

Mike

Er, OK then.

>the iBuzz does come complete with an attachment for the chaps

Has this got anything to do with another story of the day?

"CTO hole plugged at Novell"

Chris

That should see you all through to the weekend. Enjoy. ®