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My plan to heal this BROKEN, BREXITED BRITAIN

The people have spoken. So we'll ask them again

Yoga print - people doing yoga. Image via shutterstock

¡Bong! [The following memo was found in a pilates studio in Shoreditch earlier this month, and forwarded to us anonymously. It is sourced to "BV Strategic Relations”, a highly secretive firm apparently registered in Panama, which describes itself as a "bespoke crisis management consultancy to governments”. The authenticity of the memo has been confirmed by to us by a representative of the firm, มาลัย (which means Garland of Flowers in Thai) - ed]

+++ BEYOND TOP SECRET +++

CONTINGENCY FOR REFERENDUM DEFEAT, POST-JUNE 23.

Date: 30 May 2016
Distribution List: “Bobby”, “Windrush”, “Gideon”, “Izzard”, “HarryPotter”, “GoldSachs”, Soros/OSI, JIC, ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒, Carney/BoE

Introduction

The prospect of a defeat on June 23rd for Remain is extremely remote. Private polling by BVSR suggests Remain’s “triple whammy” a) the prospect of a fall in house prices b) higher street cocaine prices, and c) fear of losing European investment for digital startups rank highly highly with key swing voters. However we must be prepared. What follows is a plan to restore business continuity in the unlikely event that Leave wins the Referendum.

1. DELEGITIMISE THE VOTE

Any margin of victory is likely to be narrow, and rely heavily on poorer, older, Northern voters. Phase One entails delegitimising the victory. Professional and social media and key influencers will explain voters were confused, got lost on their way back from the bookies, or were simply drunk or high on ketamine. Follow-up with statements from voters who regret voting Leave and are really sorry.

2. DISTRACT KEY LEAVE LEADERS

It requires the cunning of a Vladimir I Lenin to extricate a country the size of the United Kingdom from the European Union. This entails years of research and deep planning, political leadership, and formidable tactical negotiating skill.

Fortunately, the key Leave leaders (Johnson,Gove) lack any of these qualities, and as a bonus, BVSR intelligence suggests they are not expecting victory. To ensure their attention is elsewhere, we have booked Johnson to play cricket on Saturday June 25th. If this fails to distract him, a giant ball of coloured wool will be rolled back and forth past Johnson’s house in Islington. This has worked very successfully before, effectively removing him from the political scene for days at a time.

3. ECONOMIC RATCHET

This is our strongest card, because of the lack of a precedent for a major economy wishing to leave the EU and the widespread uncertainty that such a decision would create. In early stages deploy 1) above to maximise effect of negative news without a response. Social media is vital here as people rarely see beyond like-minded circle of friends, tend to get their economics from the BBC or the Guardian.

Key thing here is ensure ratchet effect of economic macro and micro economic bad news. Mme. Lagarde working on series of announcements into the Autumn (thank you cl, spb). Highlight shortages of basic commodities that key influencer voters rely on: quinoa, kale, chardonnay wine, Puyehue water. For C2/D voters, spread the rumour that Nando’s will close. The economic shock will be great anyway, but there’s so much we can do to make it look worse. Remember, key media and political influencers are Oxford PPEs, and the ‘E' in PPE is short for “disco biscuit”, not “Economics".

4. OPERATION PANDORA’S BOX

This taps into the British middle class fear that the British working class are fundamentally brutal and uncivilised, and need our moralising restraint. No matter how much Guardian readers insist they are for "everyone", their actions suggest otherwise. They can't wait to get their kids out of the state school system! (White Flight).

The narrative here is that “dark forces” have been unleashed by the decision to Leave the EU. “Pandora’s Box” has been opened. Britain is in danger of becoming ungovernable, and order and decency can only be restored by reversing the First Referendum vote. Unfortunately, we will need to provide a national platform for any racist or fascist sentiment, amplifying these crackpots. There may be difficulties finding enough. Suggestions???

As this ratchets up, emphasise every possible generational, regional or class divide. The Referendum "broke" Britain and only remaining in the EU can "heal" it.

5.ENVISIONING A SUCCESSFUL OUTCOME

BVSR is confident that the twin key themes of “ungovernable racist Britain” and “international economic crisis” should create opportunity for a second referendum by mid/late autumn. We will require a) a new PM (Teresa May has done us all proud over the Investigatory Powers Bill and will be our first choice - we have advised her to be invisible for the duration of the campaign). We will urge Juncker and Tusk to resign and be replaced by new leading European Commissioners, more acceptable to the British voter: e.g., Jean Paul Gaultier, Eric Cantona. Berlaymont will be contrite, very sorry, promise to change its ways etc.

So by December 25th Sir Bob will be back at No.1, all will be forgotten and the Peasant’s Revolt will be over.

Steve Bong is battling for a digital Europe. ®

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