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The iPAD launch BEFORE it happened: SPECULATIVE GUFF ahead of actual event

Nerve-shattering run-up to the pre-planned known event

LiveBlurt It's just the most exciting sort of news there is: the Apple launch had the world a-jism all through yesterday UK time, before its entirely predictable events had even begun to unfold.

Obviously it would be madness to simply wait until the announcement and then mention anything which was actually new in the form of a brief report: rest assured we didn't do that. Instead, we used our patented LiveBlurt media technology to bring you continuously updated speculative rubbish vaguely related to the imminent iPad launch in some way.

So here goes:

+++ WASHINGTON DC 16:12 GMT +++ Rumours are spreading like wildfire that US President Barack Obama is receiving a special advance briefing on the new Apple products. Unlike British Prime Minister David Cameron, the president is not thought to have ordered the intelligence services to prepare a briefing simply out of gadget lust. The Commander in Chief is reportedly well aware that Apple product launches can seriously affect the U.S. economy for good or ill, and is apparently concerned that the current, fragile economic recovery could easily be derailed by a blundering performance from Tim Cook later today.

+++ WALL STREET 15:34 GMT +++ People are having less sex with each other and wanking more and that should boost sales of the new iPad, according to industry analysts (not the sex industry).

"Apart from the couch, the other great centre of tablet use is in bed," confirms our IT industry analyst and stock watcher. "But in bed, there are activities which compete with tablet or device screen time for the user's attention: the main ones are watching TV, sleeping, reading, eating, masturbating and having sex with one or more partners who are physically present.

"We can mostly discount watching TV, eating, reading and masturbating as these are typically done via tablet or at the same time as using a tablet," he continues. "And sleeping seems to be a necessary evil which we just have to accept. But - and this is something of an open goal for Tim Cook later today, which I expect he'll be mentioning in his speech - people these days are having much less actual sex with each other.

"Every lonely individual abusing themselves under the duvet while watching a prostitute at work on Game of Thrones is another potential iPad Air customer. And I think Cook knows that. We're certainly pretty excited about it here on Wall Street."

+++ THE MAYO CLINIC and separately HOLLYWOOD OR SOMEWHERE THEY DO TV 15:03 GMT +++ The western world's ongoing obesity crisis, coupled with the implosion of broadcast TV, could be excellent news for sales of the new iPad, medical experts are speculating this afternoon.

"The obesity epidemic, combined with more and more research showing increased TV viewing, shows that wealthy consumers are spending more time on the couch scoffing snacks," a medical expert tells The Register.

Meanwhile, "TV production values are mostly through the floor," a tellybiz analyst of some kind comments to our media desk. "You can literally see the ads cash draining out of the business and away to Facebook, Google, YouTube and that lot. The programming on the big screen is increasingly low-rent reality cookery and property dross - basically unwatchable crap. So people turn to the 'second screen' instead."

"That's great news for Apple and the iPad," comments our analyst. "The couch is the true heartland of tablet use - it's the place where the form factor really makes sense. If people are becoming so fat they can barely move from there, and at the same time there's only boring rubbish on the actual telly, they'll buy more iPads to watch properly financed, violent porn like Game of Thrones.

"Why do you think they nearly always do it doggy style in Westeros?" he added before we could stop him. "What's wrong with a bit of variety? I like a bit of reverse cowgirl, me."

+++ ON APPLE TV 14:36 GMT +++ A mysterious "Apple Events" channel has appeared inside Apple TV tellyboxes. Like it always does ahead of an Apple launch.

"It's a routine yet in many ways audacious move by Apple," comments our analyst. "It's as though your washing machine, instead of making an annoying beeping noise, played little radio ads for new washing machines when it finished a wash. Oh fuck, they'll probably start doing that now."

+++ REGENT STREET, LONDON 14:15 GMT +++ "I've heard the new iPad will be made of a kind of LIQUID GOLD METAL-GLASS composite", a dishevelled man clutching a partly consumed bottle of Buckfast tonic wine outside Apple's flagship UK store tells The Register. "A man in the park told me that you won't be able to scratch it with a diamond!"

"It makes sense," comments our analyst. "Previous iOS devices have featured gold finishes, glass, metal, and in some cases 'liquid metal'. That's good enough for me."

+++ SHOREDITCH, LONDON 13:53 GMT +++ Tim Cook is not Steve Jobs, say industry insiders gathered here in the UK's technology hub.

"There's no getting away from it," summarises our Vulture analyst. "Tim Cook simply isn't Steve Jobs, he never has been, and realistically he isn't going to be any time soon. That has profound implications."

+++ IN OUR HEADS 13:46 GMT +++ They do say that there could be some sort of surprise in the Apple announcement as well as the new iPads and Macs.

"But then again there might not be," comments one industry insider.

+++ GARRICK STREET, LONDON 13:26 GMT +++ It's believed that tech luminary Stephen Fry is extremely excited about the new iPads, Macs etc. Rumours suggest that he may have had to nip to the loos here in the Garrick Club to calm himself down while discussing the subject recently. An excitable blog post is thought to be imminent.

"Hooray, same-sex weddings in Scotland will take place from Hogmanay," the occasionally troubled star tweeted recently.

+++ VULTURE CENTRAL 13:10 GMT +++ We're chasing up unconfirmed rumours that the new iPad will have a biometric tongue sensor rather than the previous fingerprint unit. Users would lick their fondleslabs to unlock them, rather than fingering their button.

"It makes sense," comments one Vulture analyst. "A lot of keen Apple users are probably well accustomed to licking glass surfaces."

+++ THE INTERNET 12:58 GMT +++ The Apple Store is down. Like it always is ahead of an Apple launch.

"It's a routine yet effective move by Apple," one industry source commented to The Register. "Erm, it really helps build the tension. Style of thing. Will that do you?"

+++ DOWNING STREET 12:37 GMT +++ It is thought that British Prime Minister David Cameron may conceivably be receiving a special advance briefing on the new iPad Air. Sources familiar with the matter have told The Register that the Prime Minister, an avid gadget fan, may well have asked MI6 if they know anything, precipitating a rapid bout of internet trawling and a lengthy PowerPoint presentation featuring screengrabs from low-rent rumour sites.

We'll be back soon with more hot hot news on the iPadgasm. Keep clicking refresh! ®

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