Ninja Pirate Zombie Vampires versus Chuck Norris and the Space Marines
Harvest of Brains
Weekend Big Data Project No fewer than 1,784 of you kindly volunteered to have your brains slurped in the initial stage of the Weekend Register's pioneering attempt to use hefty-data techniques to solve the most pressing puzzle of our era - namely who would win in a fight: pirates, ninjas, zombies, vampires, werewolves, aliens, robots, jedi, various kinds of human troops, and plucky civilians with improvised weapons?
Needless to say, you can't settle major debates of this sort without first asking yourself what the actual question is. Thus it was that our inaugural slurp sought to define just which classes of protagonist should be included in our notional multiway deathmatch (or in some cases, un-deathmatch) rumble tournament.
These, then, are the results as our patented Vultomated CranioSlurp Datalytics™ technology interpreted them.
Some 662 of you considered that these amoral mercenary assassins merited a place in the lineup, though a substantial minority only agreed to this because just as there can be no good without evil, no up without down, no ying without yang, so there can be no pirates without ninjas. We considered that this overruled the substantial votes in favour of classifying the black-clad killers for hire as a type of Human Military (418) or Jedi/Combat Mystic (448), and comprehensively trumped the "Ninjas suck" tendency.
Zombies: To be separated into Fast Zombies and Shamblers
No less than 1017 of you wanted the decomposing brain-scoff contingent represented, with a thumping 80+ per cent in favour of separating the trickier-to-deal-with speedy type from the more traditional shuffle'n'groan brigade. This overwhelmed those who felt that all types of undead should be lumped together (484) and those who couldn't be having with any more blasted zombies (277).
A swashbuckling 881 votes - including those who voted for pirates as a means of permitting the presence of ninjas - ensured that the maritime Mummophone miscreants made it in, despite the substantial votes to classify them as Human Military* (463) or to let them and their stupid vocal mannerisms swing at Execution Dock once and for all (438).
Human Military: Engage Supplementary Slurp Protocol
The slurp was quite clear on this one - 890 of you felt that the forces of humanity needed to be comprehensively subclassified, as against 748 who reckoned that if you've seen one squaddie you've seen them all and a small group of 141 who would have no truck with mindless militarism. Accordingly we've crafted a small supplementary pollslurp to determine just which contingents shall have the honour of battling the ninja/pirate/undead/alien/robot menace.