Feeds

New Star Wars movie plot details leak, violate common sense and laws of physics

Can't add detail in subhead because SPOILERS

Beginner's guide to SSL certificates

Some meagre plot details for the new Star Wars movie have leaked online, revealed to BadAssDigest by “multiple sources” (some spoilers follow, obviously).

Christina Chong in Line of Duty

Newest cast member Christina Chong in Beeb TV show Line of Duty

With no official word on plot from JJ Abrams, Disney or Lucasfilm, anything is possible, although the reveal on the opening moments of Star Wars: Episode VII does seem a little shaky.

According to the many leakers, the film starts with a close-up of Luke Skywalker’s hand tumbling through space after being severed from his wrist by Darth Vader during a light-sabre duel in the hovering Cloud City above the planet of Bespin during The Empire Strikes Back. The hand ends up on a desert planet where it is eventually discovered by the characters played by Daisy Ridley and John Boyega, the latter of whom is a renegade Stormtrooper.

The pair set off on a quest to return the Jedi weapon to its owner, meeting up with Han Solo and Chewbacca, who say they haven’t seen their friend in the thirty years since The Return of the Jedi happened.

Meanwhile, on an icy planet, some bad guys – who apparently still haven’t figured out that small-scale guerrilla forces beat awesome one-stop galaxy-destroying weapons hands down every time – are constructing a super weapon.

Clearly, there are some issues with the plot, starting with how a lightsabre dropped by Luke Skywalker in a duel 60,000km above the core of the gas giant Bespin ends up in space instead of, say, crushed into oblivion by the massive pressure of the planet’s core. Perhaps the Force moves it to where it needs to be (and protects it from the pesky interference of such concepts as “gravity”). (Commentards, feel free to argue this point at length).

The tired old super-weapon idea does give the movie a geographically convenient way to put a stop to evildoers, but are we really expected to believe that the Dark Side is still obsessed with galactic WMDs after not one but two unfortunate Death Star experiences?

About the only thing that does offer fans a very fine, probably misguided, sense of hope about the film is the idea of an ex-Stormtrooper trying to be a good guy. A conflicted hero with a shady past is always good and can be great if it’s executed properly.

Naturally, neither Disney nor Lucasfilm has commented on the leak since nothing official has ever been said about the plot of any of the new films. The studios have been similarly silent on the rumour, reported by a number of film industry sites, that British actress Christina Chong has joined the cast.

Chong, known for roles in Brit TV shows like Line of Duty, Monroe and the latest series of 24, is believed to have a supporting part in the film. ®

Security for virtualized datacentres

More from The Register

next story
Boffins who stare at goats: I do believe they’re SHRINKING
Alpine chamois being squashed by global warming
Space exploration is just so lame. NEW APPS are mankind's future
We feel obliged to point out the headline statement is total, utter cobblers
Down-under record: Australian gets $140k for pussy
'Tiffany' closes deal - 'it's more common to offer your wife', says agent
Internet finally ready to replace answering machine cassette tape
It's a simple message and I'm leaving out the whistles and bells
FedEx helps deliver THOUSANDS of spam messages DIRECT to its Blighty customers
Don't worry Wilson, I'll do all the paddling. You just hang on
The iPAD launch BEFORE it happened: SPECULATIVE GUFF ahead of actual event
Nerve-shattering run-up to the pre-planned known event
Win a year’s supply of chocolate (no tech knowledge required)
Over £200 worth of the good stuff up for grabs
STONER SHEEP get the MUNCHIES after feasting on £4k worth of cannabis plants
Baaaaaa! Fanny's Farm's woolly flock is high, maaaaaan
Adorkable overshare of words like photobomb in this year's dictionaries
And hipsters are finally defined as self-loathing. Sort of
Not a loyal follower of @BritishMonarchy? You missed The QUEEN*'s first Tweet
Her Maj opens 'Information Age' at the Science Museum
prev story

Whitepapers

Choosing cloud Backup services
Demystify how you can address your data protection needs in your small- to medium-sized business and select the best online backup service to meet your needs.
Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.
Reg Reader Research: SaaS based Email and Office Productivity Tools
Read this Reg reader report which provides advice and guidance for SMBs towards the use of SaaS based email and Office productivity tools.
Storage capacity and performance optimization at Mizuno USA
Mizuno USA turn to Tegile storage technology to solve both their SAN and backup issues.