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Poets wax lyrical over Irish plod biro outrage

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Poll A couple of weeks back, we reported on the shock case of the biroless Irish police station which posed a serious threat to public order in Limerick.

Judge Eugene O'Kelly heard the case of one miscreant who rolled up at the Henry Street gardaí station "to sign on as a condition of his bail relating to a separate matter".

He was told there was no pen available, and to go and get his own pen, prompting an "aggressive" outburst and a date with the beak on a public order rap.

Judge O'Kelly was extremely unimpressed, warning cops that "if cases continue to come before the court arising from the lack of biros at Henry Street gardaí station, he will consider not granting applications to include a signing-on condition when granting suspects bail".

Cue a golden opportunity for some Limerick pen paucity limericks, and following our invitation, our beloved readers rose to the challenge with varying degrees of success.

We present your efforts in alphabetical name order, and at the end of this madness is a reader poll for critics to vote for their fave, and elevate the outstanding author to eternal poetic glory. Read on...

Alan Bourke:

An unreasonable head beak from Limerick
went completely ballistic
the cops had no pens
the perps and their friends
thought the whole thing was terrific

Red Bren:

There was a mean copper in Limerick
Whose treatment of crims was sadistic
The suspects on bail
would land back in gaol
When he wouldn't let them use his Bic

Nick Bunyan:

Judge Eugene said the next application,
for a sign-in at Henry Street station
would be blocked, 'cos in fact,
the bail biros they lacked
were the cause of the suspects frustration

Bob Duncan:

There was a young Limerick lad,
Went to court for being thoroughly bad,
He escaped going to jail,
Instead getting bail,
Signing weekly, for which he was glad.

When he went to the nick to sign on,
The Garda just moved him right on,
"We really are sick,
For we don't have a bic,
So you'll just have to bring in your own".

The young lad was not happy, nor meek,
So he kicked up a fuss, and gave cheek,
The Garda got snappy,
Arrested the chappy,
And brought him right up 'fore the beak.

The judge, he was livid and mad,
"This situation is totally bad,
You'd better be quick,
And get in a bic,
Or I'll just go and release the lad".

The judge said "You've done this before,
And I will not stand it no more,
If in writing you fail,
Then they'll all go to jail,
And you will be stowed out the door!"

The judge he then started to shout,
"I do have a great deal of clout,
No bics without fail,
Then its you going to jail,
And I'll not be letting you out!"

So the Garda listened without fail,
For they did not want in the jail,
Though they were very cross,
Bics they bought, yes a gross,
And duly signed off the lad's bail.

So the moral, it is very clear,
For bic pens, they are not so dear,
To keep the judge happy,
Buy the pens very snappy,
And we'll all get on well, from here!

Steve F:

There once was a cop shop in Limerick
where fellas who’d been a bit maverick
could once a week make the sign
or take gaol or a fine
with the chance of a pen they could nick

Ship of Fools:

A hopping mad justice from Limerick
Thundered “Dammit, you coppers, you make me sick!
Make damn sure next time
A bloke’s bailed for a crime
You get off your arse and pass him a Bic.”

Said Justice O’Kelly of Limerick
“Are you plods malicious or blimmin’ thick?
I’ve told you before
Just who lays down the law
Now go get a biro and make it quick.”

Chris Hunt:

A judge, who was surely no tyro
Was incensed by the lack of a biro
In the Limerick nick,
He said: sort it out quick!
Or you'll soon be collecting your Giro

skeptical i:

A perp was brought into the jail,
with intent to be held without bail.
But the cops had no pens
to write down the offense.
Cried the judge in disgust, "Utter fail!".

Ross K:

There was a judge from Limerick
Who had no time for cops and their gimmicks
If you have no pens
To sign in the crims
Then your victory will have been pyrrhic

kryptonaut:

In Limerick town the judiciary
Decided to no longer issue the
Warrants for bail
If the constables failed
To purchase their pens more efficiently

Corrego Medius:

A quite unconsolable beak,
Uttered in court just this week,
If they can't sign for bail,
They're not going to jail,
'cos the chances of biros are bleak

Nick Pettefar:

In Limerick at the police station
There's a "shortage of pens" situation
When cons turn up to sign on
They're told the pens are all gone
(It's a sign of the state of the nation.)

Steve Porter:

There’s this paper-free plodshop near Limerick
Whose bic-biro ne’re had ink init
When crims came to sign
They barely had time
To chisel their 0s and their 1s with it

garetht t:

There once was a judge named O'Kelly,
Who couldn't placate his big belly;
He ate all the things,
Pencils, police pens and pins,
and washed it all down with mint jelly.

Samuel Williams:

In Limerick a judge has pulled rank
Over Henry Street's biro-less prank
"To avoid all this pain
Get a pen on a chain
Of the kind that you find in a bank!"

Right, that's quite enough. On with the poll...

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