Rate-my-boink app scores frisky fanbois, fangurlz' SCREAMS, VIBRATIONS
Saucy sex study software reveals all, 'selfies' included
Spreadsheets are pretty much the unsexiest invention since the chastity belt, but one app developer is hoping the idea of analysing their own performance in the bedroom will appeal to a generation of selfie-taking fanbois.
A new bit of software called Spreadsheets is now on sale in Apple's app store, an online space that's normally about as raunchy as Anne Widdecombe's chambers.
The app allows lovers to analyse their sex sessions, so a man has evidence that he's actually managed to do the deed and a woman has a clear-cut way of expressing exactly how disappointing the whole thing was.
Of course, each member of the duo (or trio - hey, we don't know your life) will be using their own app, and at the moment it appears there's no way to collate your data with the data of the other party to achieve a objectively accurate figure.
"Spreadsheets is a mobile app that monitors your performance in bed to provide statistical and historical feedback," the developers, Ardenturous Labs, wrote.
"Keep a record of your encounters, date, time, and performance," the app-makers add.
"Spreadsheets monitors data from user’s movement and audio levels through the accelerometer and microphone to provide statistical and visual analysis of their performance in bed."
Lovers can unlock achievements including "endurance novice" (for people who've "kept it going" for more than 40 minutes), "data virgin" (for those who've risked cruel rejection by using the app for the first time), and "lazy Sunday" – for people who've managed to shake off their hangovers and sleep with someone on the day of rest.
However, there's no reward for getting someone into bed in the first place, which is without doubt the most difficult of all sexual manoeuvres.
The app allows lovers to track exactly how long each romp lasts, registers the "decibel peak" of each lovemaking bout and measures the average thrusts-per-minute, or TPM, of each session.
The developers are keen to stress that the app doesn't back up data and store information on the internet.
"Spreadsheets does not record or playback your session." Yes, apparently, "that would be creepy". In the FAQ, the app's developers have preempted the inevitable question of whether Spreadsheets will "get you laid".
"Spreadsheets is not an escort service," the developers reminded us. "It is also not a great pickup line."
Rather alarmingly, the promotional bumph claims that about 130,000 couples are having sex at this very moment, although we're not sure how many of these lucky lovers are Reg readers. It also claims that 7.45pm is the peak time for lovemaking, although being an American app, it doesn't factor in the evergreen contraceptive that is EastEnders.
The app's designers also claim that fanbois have more fun than the rest of us, boasting twice as many lovers by the age of 30 than users of other mobiles.
The app costs "less than a condom" at $2.99, with an introductory price of $1.99 during August. And no, we don't want to see your scores. ®