Feeds

BEYOND Marxism: What Google learned from staring Glassily at Norks

Boobs, Noobs and Juche-oriented networked facilitators

The Power of One Brief: Top reasons to choose HP BladeSystem

¡Bong!

"We have to fight for privacy or we're going to lose it" - Eric Schmidt

Eric’s face had turned a sickly shade of green as the Gulfstream banked steeply over night-time Pyongyang. Down below, the metropolis was almost pitch black, the sky illuminated only by the traditional North Korean welcome of tracer fire.

It didn’t improve the mood of Google’s Executive Chairman.

“No Sushi. No running hot water. What in hell’s name are we doing here, again, Steve?”

I sighed.

“Your most testing days are ahead of you this spring, Eric. You’re going to be pounded on tax, on privacy, and even your entire business model,” I replied.

"So let’s go through the Theory of the Immortal Socio-Political Body one more time...”

* * *

The beaming teenager bounced down the runway. We bowed, and began our well rehearsed saluation.

“First Secretary, First Chairman, Supreme Commander, we’re...”

The teenager interrupted.

“You bring Praystation 4? No matter, I have already. Har har.” He continued: “You bring grass? I want grass now!”

Sensing our awkwardness my assistant มาลัย (which means ‘Garland of Flowers’ in Thai) whispered something in the Google Chairman’s ear.

“Yes I have twenty prototypes of Google Glass, just as you requested,” Eric replied.

“Good, good. Now my crack dev team get to work on gurly app, chop chop,” he gestured, and a uniformed team flipped open the Gulfstream cargo bay.

“We have so much to discuss. But now, traditional welcome from one revolutionary leader to another,” said Kim Jong-un, passing round a tatty bottle on which I could only discern the words "MAY CAUSE BLINDNESS".

* * *

I rubbed my head. It hurt. Bad. I hadn’t felt this bad since I OD’d on scopolamine at the launch of the Cabinet Office’s Digital by Default strategy. In a neat line in front of us, I could just about make out the outlines of a dozen or so Apple G4 Cubes.

“In Chosŏn Minjujuŭi Inmin Konghwaguk we have best dev team in world.” explained Kim.

“Impressive, First Secretary,” I said. “I remember back at Woodstock Capital back in the day, we had one of these on every desk.”

“No ordinary Cube,” interrupted the Supreme Commander. “This is special Juche-based design. So Yanqui imperialist export restriction only allow us empty G4 case? No matter, we source plentiful motherboard of Amstrad E-m@iler Plus. Unique hybrid.”

“That’s amazing,” gasped Eric.

“Yes. Body of Steve Jobs - brains of Alan Sugar.”

* * *

That’s better. It was cool and eerily quiet here, deep inside the Baekdu Mountain complex, a facility no Westerner had ever seen. With some relief, I passed the one litre bottle of 100 per cent pure organic Puyehue water - a crate of which my tiny assistant มาลัย had carried for us - around our delegation.

Finally we could relax. And now it was time for business.

“This top-secret visit will be followed by a rather more public one in a few days time,” I explained. “So Eric, explain the proposition.”

“Yes, thank you, Steve,” Eric began. “Our humble offering is really quite simple. Google becomes the exclusive supplier of security and information services to the Workers Party, to assure the continued welfare and safety of the people and the glorious victory of the Great State.”

Kim beamed.

“And lots of grasses.”

“Of course,” Eric nodded.

It was my cue.

“And we have so much to learn from you all, too.” I said.

The smart choice: opportunity from uncertainty

More from The Register

next story
NSA man: 'Tell me about your Turkish connections'
Spooks ask Dabbsy to suggest a nice hotel with pool
Russia sends SEX-CRAZED GECKOS to SPAAAAACE!
In space... no one can hear you're green...
Indian techies-in-training face down MAN-EATING LEOPARD - and WIN
Big cat causes big trouble at Mumbai college
Carlos: Slim your working week to just three days of toil
'Midas World' vision suggests you retire later, watch more tellie and buy more stuff
Yahoo! Japan! launches! service! for! the! dead!
If you're reading this email, I am no longer alive
Plucky Rockall podule man back on (proper) dry land
Bold, barmy Brit adventurer Nick Hancock escapes North Atlantic islet
Motorist 'thought car had caught fire' as Adele track came on stereo
'FIRE' caption on dashboard prompts dunderheaded hard shoulder halt
prev story

Whitepapers

Implementing global e-invoicing with guaranteed legal certainty
Explaining the role local tax compliance plays in successful supply chain management and e-business and how leading global brands are addressing this.
Consolidation: The Foundation for IT Business Transformation
In this whitepaper learn how effective consolidation of IT and business resources can enable multiple, meaningful business benefits.
Application security programs and practises
Follow a few strategies and your organization can gain the full benefits of open source and the cloud without compromising the security of your applications.
How modern custom applications can spur business growth
Learn how to create, deploy and manage custom applications without consuming or expanding the need for scarce, expensive IT resources.
Securing Web Applications Made Simple and Scalable
Learn how automated security testing can provide a simple and scalable way to protect your web applications.