Feeds

HEAVILY ARMED SEX CRAZED DOLPHINS on RAMPAGE in Black Sea

Naval cetaceans with guns on heads 'seeking females'

Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops

Updated Worrying news today for any Register readers who may be in the neighbourhood of the Black Sea, as news has emerged that three elite Ukrainian navy killer dolphins, possibly armed with deadly weapons attached to their heads, have gone absent without leave in the region, apparently intent on nookie.

As all habitués of these pages will know, the Ukrainian navy possesses one of just two military dolphin formations worldwide (the other belongs to the US navy), having inherited it during the division of the former Soviet Black Sea fleet. Since the end of the Cold War, the combat cetaceans had mostly been employed on peaceful duties: but last year news emerged that the battle-bottlenoses would be trained up once more in warlike missions such as the laying or hunting of mines - or even attacking enemy frogmen using "knives or pistols" attached to their heads.

As long as the warrior sea-mammals remained firmly under naval control, and the Ukraine remained at peace, all seemed to be well. But now it would seem that this is no longer the case. Russian newswire RIA Novosti reports:

Only two of five military-trained dolphins returned to their base in the Crimean port of Sevastopol after a recent exercise ... [They] probably left to look for mates, an expert said on Tuesday.

As the Ukrainian defence ministry denies that it has any dolphins employed on combat duties - despite frequent sightings in the Sevastopol area of cetaceans tooled up with a mysterious arsenal of weaponry - it isn't known whether the dolphin deserters were armed when they embarked on their lustful odyssey. Even if they are unarmed, a horny dolphin could nonetheless be a dangerous opponent for any females or naval patrol personnel it might encounter: sharks often come off worst in a fight with dolphins, indicating the creatures' puissance in flipper-to-flipper combat.

The menace of the possibly heavily armed sex-mad dolphins may be short-lived, however. A former naval dolphin expert informed RIA Novosti that in Soviet days it had been fairly common for combat cetaceans to disappear in search of nookie during operations, but that the creatures generally returned - lusts sated, doubtless - after a few days. ®

Updated to Add

Much of the internet is now describing this story as a "hoax", on the basis that the Ukrainian government still stoutly denies that it has any naval dolphins (as we said above), and the director of the Ukrainian State Oceanarium - at least some of whose dolphins are apparently retired from the navy - says he hasn't lost any of his charges.

RIA Novosti for its part is sticking to its reporting which says that the Ukrainians do have a secret, armed dolphin unit despite their denials - and that some of its combat cetaceans are AWOL, possibly tooled up, and hoping for love.

Beginner's guide to SSL certificates

More from The Register

next story
MEN: For pity's sake SLEEP with LOTS of WOMEN - and avoid Prostate Cancer
And, um, don't sleep with other men. If that's what worries you
Voyager 1 now EIGHTEEN LIGHT HOURS from home
Almost 20 BEEELION kilometres from Sol
HUGE SHARK as big as a WWII SUBMARINE died out, allowing whales to exist
Who'd win a fight: Megalodon or a German battleship?
Jim Beam me up, Scotty! WHISKY from SPAAACE returns to Earth
They're insured for $1m, before you thirsty folks make plans
ROGUE SAIL BOAT blocks SPACE STATION PODULE blastoff
Er, we think our ISS launch beats your fishing expedition
Comet Siding Spring revealed as flying molehill
Hiding from this space pimple isn't going to do humanity's reputation any good
BAE points electromagnetic projectile at US Army
Railguns for 'Future fighting vehicle'
LONG ARM of the SAUR: Brachially gifted dino bone conundrum solved
Deinocheirus mirificus was a bit of a knuckle dragger
prev story

Whitepapers

Cloud and hybrid-cloud data protection for VMware
Learn how quick and easy it is to configure backups and perform restores for VMware environments.
Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
Reg Reader Research: SaaS based Email and Office Productivity Tools
Read this Reg reader report which provides advice and guidance for SMBs towards the use of SaaS based email and Office productivity tools.
Saudi Petroleum chooses Tegile storage solution
A storage solution that addresses company growth and performance for business-critical applications of caseware archive and search along with other key operational systems.
How to simplify SSL certificate management
Simple steps to take control of SSL certificates across the enterprise, and recommendations centralizing certificate management throughout their lifecycle.