Empire says ‘primitive’ Earth not ready for Death Star
Imperial Press Release strikes back against Obama's Death Star decree
The Galactic Empire has welcomed the Obama administration’s decision not to build a Death Star.
In an press release issued by the Imperial Centre on Coruscant (aka the Star Wars blog), the Empire labels earth a “tiny, aggressive planet” and says the petition calling for a Death Star to be built were “bellicose demands”.
The Empire is therefore happy that Earth won’t go ahead with its Death Star project, as it confirms the ascendancy of the Imperial military/industrial complex and also means humanity is less likely to become a North-Korea-style rogue planet.
The press release quotes Governor Wilhuff Tarkin of the Outer Rim Territories as saying “It is doubtless that such a technological terror in the hands of so primitive a world would be used to upset the peace and sanctity of the citizens of the Galactic Empire."
“Such destructive power can only be wielded to protect and defend by so enlightened a leader as Emperor Palpatine.”
The Empire has also strenuously denied the Death Star possesses a fatal design flaw.
“Any attacks made upon such a station — should one ever be built — would be a useless gesture,” said Admiral Conan Motti of the Imperial Starfleet.
Just how the press release made its way through space and time to reach Earth mere days after the Obama administration's decision on a Death Star has not been explained. We'll happily assume the ability to transmit data from a long time ago in a Galaxy far, far away is possible thanks to as-yet-unexplained aspects of The Force. ®
Because the galaxy is both a long long time ago AND far far away, a message sent via non-relativistic means then and there would reach us here here and now now.
Just requires some Force precognition to look into the future to know to send it.
(I can't believe I typed that to be honest.)
If Obama is unwilling, we can elect someone who is.
Morbo will now introduce the candidates - Puny Human Number One, Puny Human Number Two, and Morbo's good friend Richard Nixon.
Sorry, that would violate health and safety codes. It becomes uneconomical to build the Death Star onceyou add the obstruction-free ventilation, a catalytic converter on that exhaust port, exit signs, handicapped access, crumple zones and then paint the whole thing safety orange.