Feeds

US condom rules 'will cause nasty RED RINGS on porn stars' todgers'

'Typical' smut stud too well equipped to wear FDA rubbers

Gartner critical capabilities for enterprise endpoint backup

City of Angels porn actors will in future be required to sport condoms for their performances after Los Angeles County voters gave the thumbs up to the "Safer Sex in the Adult Film Industry Act", aka "Measure B".

The act was proposed to prevent "thousands of performers contracting preventable sexually transmitted infections, including gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, herpes, hepatitis, and HIV", as a result of not slipping on a rubber.

That's all well and good, but according to UK "Condom Revolutionary" Joe Nelson, of custom johnny purveyor TheyFit.com, Measure B simply doesn't measure up in the trouser department.

He notes that the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) requires condoms to be at least 170mm (6.6in) in length, with a nominal width of 47-57mm - that's the width at the opening when laid flat, not to be confused with the diameter of the French letter when, er, in use.

At the maximum width, the condom will have a circumference of 114mm. Nelson explains: "Now, for a comfortable fit you want a maximum latex stretch of 25 per cent - anything more and you start to get a nasty red ring in the flesh as the latex 'cuts in'."

Since 114mm x 1.25 = 142.5mm, if you're packing a todger girth of more than 142.5mm, it's "game over for comfort and pleasure".

Nelson claims the "typical" porn star swells to 180mm of girth - requiring a nominal width of 64-69mm - so you can see the FDA-approved dimensions are seriously going to cramp the smut hunk's style.

A quick shufti online reveals that stateside grumble-flick artists can buy products such as the Durex XXL, which boasts a truly equine 228.6mm length, but a width of just 54mm. Alternatively, there's the Trojan Supra, 200mm in length, and which appears to be non-FDA compliant with a width of 58mm.

British studs, on the other hand, can readily obtain protection suitably sized for their impressive engorgements, but it's illegal to import these into the US.

Evidently, Los Angeles County voters were unaware of just how genuinely restricting Measure B's restrictions will prove. It remains to be seen just how much of a squeeze the law will put on LA's porn industry. ®

5 things you didn’t know about cloud backup

More from The Register

next story
MEN WANTED to satisfy town full of yearning BRAZILIAN HOTNESS
'Prettier, better organised, more harmonious than if men were in charge'
Cops baffled by riddle of CHICKEN who crossed ROAD
'Officers were unable to determine Chicken's intent'
Yes, but what are your plans if a DRAGON attacks?
Local UK gov outs most ridiculous FoI requests...
Drunkards warned: If you can't walk in a straight line, don't shop online, you fool!
Put it away boys. Cover them up ladies. Your credit cards, we mean
Why your mum was WRONG about whiffy tattooed people
They're a future source of RENEWABLE ENERGY
Murder accused DIDN'T ask Siri 'how to hide my roommate'
US court hears of cached browser image - not actual request
Chomp that sausage: Brits just LOVE scoffing a Full Monty
Sales of traditional brekkie foods soar as hungry folk get their mitts greasy
prev story

Whitepapers

Top 10 endpoint backup mistakes
Avoid the ten endpoint backup mistakes to ensure that your critical corporate data is protected and end user productivity is improved.
Implementing global e-invoicing with guaranteed legal certainty
Explaining the role local tax compliance plays in successful supply chain management and e-business and how leading global brands are addressing this.
Backing up distributed data
Eliminating the redundant use of bandwidth and storage capacity and application consolidation in the modern data center.
The essential guide to IT transformation
ServiceNow discusses three IT transformations that can help CIOs automate IT services to transform IT and the enterprise
Next gen security for virtualised datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.