Debenhams cafes ban outré terms like 'espresso' and 'cappuccino'
Are you a bit out of touch? Come and shop here
The words "espresso" and "cappuccino" are too confusing for customers, says high-street retailer Debenhams. The department store chain will instead introduce moron-friendly descriptions, such as "frothy coffee", in its 160 cafes.
Out go several descriptions it deems too "fancy" - even "tall" and "grande" have been slung out, the retailer admits. Punters will be offered a patronising choice of a cup or a mug instead.
A few examples are here:
"Really really" patronising
Debenhams also denied it was covering transparent roof canopies in its stores to ensure shoppers are not "frightened by aeroplanes". (Actually it hasn't - we made that up. But we wouldn't be surprised if it did.) ®
"Are you honestly telling me, with the plethora of coffee shops inside everything from supermarkets to charity shops, that people are too thick to know what an espresso is and, if they are, don't bother to ask?"
That's not the real problem. The problem is when a non-coffee-shop-regular walks into Starfucks/wherever and JUST WANTS A FUCKING COFFEE. All I want is a sign that says "A normal fucking cup of coffee, with a normal amount of fucking milk in, and no sodding sprinkly shit or bubbles. And no: I don't want to tell you my name or want to pay a pound for a fucking biscuit."
Apparently, I should be asking for an Americano and putting some milk in it. Clearly someone decided that putting 'regular coffee' on a board next to 'latte', 'espresso' and 'chocco-mocho-frapachino' wasn't pretentious enough.
Except that a "Tall" coffee often means small coffee
Silly to think people wouldn't know what an espresso is, but starbuck sizing of "Tall", "Grande" and "Venti" is a nonsense that deserves to be taken out and shot.
Sounds fair enough to me.
I hate Starosta coffee places where you have to piss around translating faux-italian names just to order a simple coffee. What's wrong with "small, medium, large" or, if they must, "regular, large, extra"?
I've not problem ordering foodstuffs and drinks in other languages when in that country or ordering a dish from there but the made-up bollocks associated with coffee is a language I can't be arsed to learn.