Feeds

TRULY sinister blond madman signed for Bond 24, whisper insiders

'Makes Javier Bardem look like Rolf Harris'

Eight steps to building an HP BladeSystem

The Register has exclusively learned that the next James Bond movie outing will pit 007 against a truly sinister blond madman "who'll make Javier Bardem look like your kindly maiden aunt playing Mother Teresa for the benefit of kids in a Rwandan orphange", as our inside source put it.

Producers hope Julian Assange, who allegedly inked the deal yesterday at his extradition-proof quarters inside the Ecuadorian embassy in London, will bring "an extra edge of grandiose delusion" to Bond 24.

Our source explained that due to Assange's limited scope for travel, the likelihood is that his performance will be part live action, shot in the embassy itself, and part motion-capture CGI, with a computer-generated Assange performing the most technically demanding sequences.

With this in mind, the studio has already created three virtual Assanges, one for each of the trio of working titles for the project, which we reveal here for the first time:

Pointfinger

Julian Assange as Goldfinger

Assange plays an information-obsessed Australian with a diabolical plan to nuke rival email servers in order to artificially drive up the value of his own holdings of sensitive electronic traffic. His ambitions thwarted by Bond armed with several international arrest warrants, he's sucked out of a depressurising aircraft while trying to escape to Central America.

Muckraker

Julian Assange as Hugo Drax

Driven by an obsessive sense of manifest destiny, Assange constructs an incredible orbiting space station from which he and a selected few will repopulate the Earth after the rest of humanity has been bored to death by exposure to millions of confidential but ultimately deadly dull US government documents. The film ends with Assange sucked out of an airlock while trying to evade Bond and astronauts from the Swedish Prosecution Authority.

You Only Leak Twice

Julian Assange as Blofeld

From his fantastical bunker complex under the London embassy of a fictitious banana republic, Assange attempts to provoke nuclear war between the US and Russia by publishing confidential emails in which diplomats from both sides deride each others' table manners, dress sense and general lack of personal hygiene. Armageddon is averted when Bond identifies his key weakness and, disguised as a buxom Swedish wench, penetrates and destroys his lair with the assistance of the Metropolitan Police.

Incredible stuff. We don't have any information on villainous sidekicks, Bond girls or gadgets, but we're sure readers can fill in the blanks. ®

Boost IT visibility and business value

More from The Register

next story
Motorist 'thought car had caught fire' as Adele track came on stereo
'FIRE' caption on dashboard prompts dunderheaded hard shoulder halt
Delaware pair nabbed for getting saucy atop Mexican eatery
Burrito meets soft taco in alleged rooftop romp outrage
Japanese artist cuffed for disseminating 3D ladyparts files
Printable genitalia fall foul of 'obscene material' laws
Carlos: Slim your working week to just three days of toil
'Midas World' vision suggests you retire later, watch more tellie and buy more stuff
Brit Rockall adventurer poised to quit islet
Occupation records broken, champagne corks popped
Apple: No, China. iPhone is NOT public enemy number 1
Beijing fears it could beam secrets back to America
Canuck reader threatens suicide over exact dimensions of SPAAAACE!
How many As? Reg hack's writing cops a shoeing
prev story

Whitepapers

Seven Steps to Software Security
Seven practical steps you can begin to take today to secure your applications and prevent the damages a successful cyber-attack can cause.
Consolidation: The Foundation for IT Business Transformation
In this whitepaper learn how effective consolidation of IT and business resources can enable multiple, meaningful business benefits.
Designing a Defense for Mobile Applications
Learn about the various considerations for defending mobile applications - from the application architecture itself to the myriad testing technologies.
Build a business case: developing custom apps
Learn how to maximize the value of custom applications by accelerating and simplifying their development.
Consolidation: the foundation for IT and business transformation
In this whitepaper learn how effective consolidation of IT and business resources can enable multiple, meaningful business benefits.