Feeds

TRULY sinister blond madman signed for Bond 24, whisper insiders

'Makes Javier Bardem look like Rolf Harris'

Remote control for virtualized desktops

The Register has exclusively learned that the next James Bond movie outing will pit 007 against a truly sinister blond madman "who'll make Javier Bardem look like your kindly maiden aunt playing Mother Teresa for the benefit of kids in a Rwandan orphange", as our inside source put it.

Producers hope Julian Assange, who allegedly inked the deal yesterday at his extradition-proof quarters inside the Ecuadorian embassy in London, will bring "an extra edge of grandiose delusion" to Bond 24.

Our source explained that due to Assange's limited scope for travel, the likelihood is that his performance will be part live action, shot in the embassy itself, and part motion-capture CGI, with a computer-generated Assange performing the most technically demanding sequences.

With this in mind, the studio has already created three virtual Assanges, one for each of the trio of working titles for the project, which we reveal here for the first time:

Pointfinger

Julian Assange as Goldfinger

Assange plays an information-obsessed Australian with a diabolical plan to nuke rival email servers in order to artificially drive up the value of his own holdings of sensitive electronic traffic. His ambitions thwarted by Bond armed with several international arrest warrants, he's sucked out of a depressurising aircraft while trying to escape to Central America.

Muckraker

Julian Assange as Hugo Drax

Driven by an obsessive sense of manifest destiny, Assange constructs an incredible orbiting space station from which he and a selected few will repopulate the Earth after the rest of humanity has been bored to death by exposure to millions of confidential but ultimately deadly dull US government documents. The film ends with Assange sucked out of an airlock while trying to evade Bond and astronauts from the Swedish Prosecution Authority.

You Only Leak Twice

Julian Assange as Blofeld

From his fantastical bunker complex under the London embassy of a fictitious banana republic, Assange attempts to provoke nuclear war between the US and Russia by publishing confidential emails in which diplomats from both sides deride each others' table manners, dress sense and general lack of personal hygiene. Armageddon is averted when Bond identifies his key weakness and, disguised as a buxom Swedish wench, penetrates and destroys his lair with the assistance of the Metropolitan Police.

Incredible stuff. We don't have any information on villainous sidekicks, Bond girls or gadgets, but we're sure readers can fill in the blanks. ®

Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops

More from The Register

next story
Holy vintage vehicles! Earliest known official Batmobile goes on sale
Riddle me this: are you prepared to pay US$180k?
Criticism of Uber's journo-Data Analytics plan is an Attack on DIGITAL FREEDOM
First they came for Emil – and I'm damn well SPEAKING OUT
'It is comforting to know where your data centres are.' UK.GOV does NOT
Plus: Anons are 'wannabes', KKK says, before being pwned
'Open source just means big companies can steal your code.' O RLY?
Plus: Flame of the Week returns, for one night only!
NEWSFLASH: It's time to ditch dullard Facebook chums
Everything hot in tech, courtesy of avian anchor Regina Eggbert
Hey, you, PHONE-FACE! Kickstarter in-car mobe mount will EMBED your phone into your MUG
Stick it on the steering wheel and wait for the airbag to fire
Bible THUMP: Good Book beats Darwin to most influential tome title
Folio Society crowns fittest of surviving volumes
prev story

Whitepapers

Choosing cloud Backup services
Demystify how you can address your data protection needs in your small- to medium-sized business and select the best online backup service to meet your needs.
Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
Designing and building an open ITOA architecture
Learn about a new IT data taxonomy defined by the four data sources of IT visibility: wire, machine, agent, and synthetic data sets.
10 threats to successful enterprise endpoint backup
10 threats to a successful backup including issues with BYOD, slow backups and ineffective security.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?