Feeds

Steve Jobs is STILL DEAD

'I am Ahead of the Puck', insists deceased biz titan

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

Visitors to Apple's online shop were today reminded that Steve Jobs remains dead.

Fanboys accessing the normally functional retail site, keen to buy such post-Jobsian products as the iPhone 5, were forcibly delayed for 1.45 minutes by a black and white slideshow presentation "Remembering Steve" featuring voice-over quotations from Steve when he was alive.

"I skate towards where the puck is going to be, not where it has been," the first voiceover says.

Clearly the puck is no longer in the CEO's office at Apple.

Steve Jobs, credit Apple site, screengrab

Steve, programming, credit: Apple

A letter from Apple's current CEO Tim Cook, displayed after the video, informs viewers that though Steve in his physical form has departed this world, his spirit marches on as the foundation of the personal and mobile computer company that has become a huge globe-spanning technology kraken with its tentacles deep in every sector of the IT market.

Apple is second only to the oil company Exxon in the huge amounts of cash that it sucks in every year. Apple made $40 billion profits in the year ending June 2012, on a revenue of $149 billion. That put it just behind the oil giant's net profits of $45 billion, and gave Apple a nice healthy profit margin of 27 per cent.

Apple has sold 84 million iPads, close to 200 million iPhones and 350 million iPods. It temporarily had more cash reserves than the US government, $76 billion, in June 2011.

Cook said "one of the greatest gifts Steve gave to the world is Apple. No company has ever inspired such creativity or set such high standards for itself."

Steve Jobs, credit Apple site, screengrab

Where the puck was going to be, presently

Goodbye Steve.

Everytime someone fondles a slab, photographs a cupcake and then makes that photograph a funny colour or swears gently as they try to take their SIM card out of their iPhone and then realises they can't because you need a special SIM card carriage release tool thingmy and they've lost it, we think of you. ®

Top 5 reasons to deploy VMware with Tegile

More from The Register

next story
Win a year’s supply of chocolate (no tech knowledge required)
Over £200 worth of the good stuff up for grabs
Facebook's Zuckerberg in EBOLA VIRUS FIGHT: Billionaire battles bug
US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention contacted as site supremo coughs up
Red Bull does NOT give you wings, $13.5m lawsuit says so
Website letting consumers claim $10 cash back crashes after stampede
Down-under record: Australian gets $140k for pussy
'Tiffany' closes deal - 'it's more common to offer your wife', says agent
Internet finally ready to replace answering machine cassette tape
It's a simple message and I'm leaving out the whistles and bells
Swiss wildlife park serves up furry residents to visitors
'It's ecological' says spokesman, now how would you like your Bambi done?
The iPAD launch BEFORE it happened: SPECULATIVE GUFF ahead of actual event
Nerve-shattering run-up to the pre-planned known event
Space exploration is just so lame. NEW APPS are mankind's future
We feel obliged to point out the headline statement is total, utter cobblers
STONER SHEEP get the MUNCHIES after feasting on £4k worth of cannabis plants
Baaaaaa! Fanny's Farm's woolly flock is high, maaaaaan
prev story

Whitepapers

Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
Win a year’s supply of chocolate
There is no techie angle to this competition so we're not going to pretend there is, but everyone loves chocolate so who cares.
Why cloud backup?
Combining the latest advancements in disk-based backup with secure, integrated, cloud technologies offer organizations fast and assured recovery of their critical enterprise data.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
Saudi Petroleum chooses Tegile storage solution
A storage solution that addresses company growth and performance for business-critical applications of caseware archive and search along with other key operational systems.