Humanity facing GLOBAL BACON SHORTAGE
Stuff climate change, this is serious
Doomwatchers are painting an apocalyptic picture of a world where weeping humanity is reduced to scraping meagre nourishment from mash without bangers, hole without toad, scratchings without pork and, chillingly, sarnies without bacon.
According to the BBC, a drought-hit US maize harvest has forced up cereal prices worldwide, prompting a sharp rise in the cost of pig nosh prices.
More significantly for UK palates, EU pig welfare rules have provoked a "dramatic" rise in the cost of the animal. Blighty "imports about 60 per cent of its pig meat from other EU countries", and porcine experts expect this supply to be cut "significantly" over the next 12 months.
Prices will have to rise, analysts warn. Stephen Howarth, of the pig tentacle of the UK's Agriculture and Horticulture Development Board, hinted that only those with deep wallets will get their laughing gear round porker-based nourishment.
He said: "Those who were willing to pay would still be able to get it, but some may find it more difficult. It will be interesting to see how they react."
Well, we at El Reg have a pretty good idea how they'll react, and it involves inner cities burning and pig farmers wielding shotguns fighting off ravenous mobs of bacon lovers armed with knives, forks and frying pans.
Phil Brady, spokesman for the British Sausage Appreciation Society*, summed it up with admirable understatement when he told the Beeb: "Pork has always played an important part in British cuisine."
If Britain can pull through the impending pork crisis without suffering complete social and culinary collapse, there is hope that future generations will not be reduced to looking at dusty pictures of bacon sarnies while sitting on granddad's knee as he tearfully recounts tales of pinnacles of pork perfection.
Stephen Howarth reckons that swine herds who avoid going trotters-up in the next year should benefit from a decent 2013 northern hemisphere grain harvest, thereby improving mankind's long-term pork prospects. ®
* Not to be confused with the American Pork Sword Appreciation Society, patron Paris Hilton.