Feeds

Post-pub nosh deathmatch: Bauernfrühstück v bacon sarnie

1966 revisited - with added pork

Remote control for virtualized desktops

As long-term Reg readers are aware, it's been scientifically proven that bacon has almost miraculous powers to cure the effects of a night on the sauce.

Accordingly, we at the Special Projects Bureau went in search of two world-class sliced pork recipes designed to ameliorate the pain of a severe liver-kicking.

Prepare your laughing gear, then, for Bauernfrühstück versus the bacon sarnie - a contest which demands the obligatory 1966 rematch reference, which we can now consider delivered.

Bauernfrühstück translates as "farmer's breakfast" (or farmers' breakfast, if you will). It's a hearty assemblage of scrambled egg, spuds and bacon, with added green pepper to provide that guilt-busting "it's got some vitamins in it" ingredient.

More on Bauernfrühstück in due course. First up, we come to the bacon sarnie, which has no green stuff in it whatsoever. Those of you who are at this point thinking that any fule kno how to make a bacon sarnie, there's more to this classic British dish than meets the eye.

Just what constitutes the perfect bacon sarnie is a matter of national controversy, and has attracted the attention of some of Blighty's finest minds.

We at the SPB are in no doubt whatsoever that this is what you need to construct the ultimate bread-pork combo: bread, butter, bacon and brown sauce...

The ingredients for a classic bacon sandwich

It's absolutely certain that the bread must be crusty, white and hand-sliced. A white sliced loaf might pass muster at a pinch, but under no circumstances can brown bread be allowed to come into contact with the holy bacon.

Indeed, unholy reimaginings of the bacon sarnie, deploying wholemeal baps topped with bird food are certainly a bourgeois conceit formulated during holidays in Provence and designed to undermine the very bedrock of saturated fat on which British culinary excellence rests.

We're fully aware that there are those who swear by tomato ketchup as the correct bacon condiment, but let's summarise it thus: you're wrong, and you should seek professional help.

And the bacon? Well, we don't subscribe to the crispy camp, preferring our meat hot and tender, as we believe does celebutard pork-lover Paris Hilton.

Each to his or her own, though, on that matter. So, without further ado, and for any Johnny Foreigner out there who's currently scratching his head and wondering "was ist das Bacon Sarnie of which you sprichst?", here's how it's done:

The four steps required to create the classic bacon sarnie

As ever, we worked our culinary magic in Bar Almanzor, in my local town of Barco de Avila, where hungry volunteers had gathered to tickle their palates with this month's international cuisine. Thanks as ever to owners Juanjo and Begoña for lending a helping hand with the cooking.

Paper Aircraft Released Into Space vet José María Pita pitched in as guest waiter, and here he is with local builder Fernando ready to present the bacon sarnie to the voting public:

Fernando and Jose Maria Pita present the bacon sarnie

In fact, so well does Don Pita do the boffin pipe/beer thing, that here's another snap of his handsome mug, as he prepares himself mentally for the coming porkstorm:

Jose Maria Pita with bacon sarnie and beer

First up to the plate were Fernando's missus Lourdes (previously a deathmatch guest waitress) and her son Diego, who doesn't look entirely convinced...

Lourdes and son Diego enjoy a bacon sarnie

...although my daughter Katarina is a diehard bacon sarnie fan:

Katarina gets her laughing gear round a bacon sarnie

I'd invited local rural hotel owner Alvaro to this particular deathmatch, for reasons which will become clear later. Here he is with José María, who appears to be inflicting the infernal joke about the monkey and the pianist* on the poor bloke:

Alvaro and Jose Maria Pita attack a bacon sarnie

As those of you who've been following our deathmatches will know, builder Fernando is the acid test of whether or not a dish is suitable for the Hispanic market. Having declared mealy pudding and haggis pakora pretty well unfit for human consumption, he was rather more taken with our latest British Isles offering:

Fernando devours a bacon sarnie

Remote control for virtualized desktops

Next page: Bootnotes

More from The Register

next story
LIFE, JIM? Comet probot lander found 'ORGANICS' on far-off iceball
That's it for God, then – if Comet 67P has got complex molecules
Rosetta probot drilling DENIED: Philae has its 'LEG in the AIR'
NOT best position for scientific fulfillment
'Yes, yes... YES!' Philae lands on COMET 67P
Plucky probot aces landing on high-speed space rock - emotional scenes in Darmstadt
HUMAN DNA 'will be FOUND ON MOON' – rocking boffin Brian Cox
Crowdfund plan to stimulate Blighty's space programme
THERE it is! Philae comet lander FOUND in EXISTING Rosetta PICS
Crumb? Pixel? ALIEN? Better, it's a comet-catcher!
SEX BEAST SEALS may be egging each other on to ATTACK PENGUINS
Boffin: 'I think the behaviour is increasing in frequency'
Post-pub nosh neckfiller: The MIGHTY Scotch egg
Off to the boozer? This delicacy might help mitigate the effects
I'M SO SORRY, sobs Rosetta Brit boffin in 'sexist' sexy shirt storm
'He is just being himself' says proud mum of larger-than-life physicist
prev story

Whitepapers

Why cloud backup?
Combining the latest advancements in disk-based backup with secure, integrated, cloud technologies offer organizations fast and assured recovery of their critical enterprise data.
Getting started with customer-focused identity management
Learn why identity is a fundamental requirement to digital growth, and how without it there is no way to identify and engage customers in a meaningful way.
Reg Reader Research: SaaS based Email and Office Productivity Tools
Read this Reg reader report which provides advice and guidance for SMBs towards the use of SaaS based email and Office productivity tools.
Simplify SSL certificate management across the enterprise
Simple steps to take control of SSL across the enterprise, and recommendations for a management platform for full visibility and single-point of control for these Certificates.
Storage capacity and performance optimization at Mizuno USA
Mizuno USA turn to Tegile storage technology to solve both their SAN and backup issues.