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If Hotmail was a person it could have kids now. But it would be a crime

Vast spam archive was only used for signups, shurely

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

Sketch It's a slow day on the tech-news desk in the temporary Olympic capital of the world, London. But, with proper IT news being in short supply, more than one starving blogger has been forced to resort to writing a "my first pony" story about Hotmail, now that it's turning into Outlook.com.

We take you now to a newsroom not far away:

"Mr editor, I've got a brillllllliant pitch for you."

"You have?"

"Yes! I want to tell the world about the wondrous past age of Hotmail now that Microsoft is gently saluting its passing."

"What, the same Hotmail that's been waiting to be sent to the glue factory for years now?"

"Oh, don't be mean, Ed. I've grown up with Hotmail and I've gotta say, it's pretty damn cool, maybe even a little bit retro. Be nice."

"Hmm. But what can I expect you to write? Will you point out that the more than 300 million people who apparently still have hotmail addresses only use them for signing up to websites that demand an email address, and never read the resulting spam?"

"No, there's so much more to it than that! Besides - I'm stretching here, but stay with me, stay with me - if Hotmail were a person it could have kids by now!"

"What do you mean, boy?!"

"Well, it's 15 years old, so Hotmail could totally procreate."

"Interesting [read: shit] analogy. After all, someone would have had to commit statutory rape, right? Bit whiffy, innit?!"

"No, more whimsical, I'd say. Come on, Hotmail is now all grown up and graduating to the corporate world, which for the record makes me have a sadface. But look at its success as the world's biggest, brightest, longest-serving webmail system. It surely deserves a first-person homage from yours truly, for and of the people?"

"This conversation is making me slowly die inside, but someone at the big papers has just written that 'It is difficult to say exactly when Hotmail lost it's cool factor', so evidently I'm wrong. File something and I'll publish it with my eyes shut."

"OK, chief. I'll tell the readers all about why my still using Hotmail isn't akin to plucking feathers from a chicken that's laying eggs in a cramped farmyard cage while regurgitating its young."

"[stares]".

"Oh, one more thing, boss... if you were Hotmail, how many kids would you have by now?"

"Hard to say - at any rate, I doubt that I'd know any of my offspring seeing as I'd probably be serving a jail term for underage sex with a minor email message that was masquerading as a real person but actually turned out to be spam." ®

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