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Syrian secret police endorse male hair remover

'Most prisoners confessed within five minutes of the first application'

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

The excessively hirsute among you looking to derug yourselves are pointed in the direction of Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme, which is attracting some enthusiastic reviews down at Amazon.

You are, however, advised to read the instructions before applying, especially the bit about the gel not being suitable for "intimate parts".

Ali Muhabarakah, purportedly a member of the secret police in Damascus, explains why in his five-star review: "Excellent product. Most prisoners confessed within five minutes of the first application. Can recommend."

One "Lee" elaborates:

Possessing as I do a genital cluster that bears an uncanny resemblance (and indeed aroma) to Chewbacca's armpit, I decided to purchase this product. Upon applying the creme to my tassel and conkers, I was taken aback by a sudden and disturbing gasping noise, followed by a sound that I can only describe as the horrific howlings from Satan's own Hell Hound, Cerberus. As I whirled around to view the source of the noise, I perchanced to glance in the bathroom mirror, and, seeing my own mouth stretched agape in a terrible rictus of agony, I deduced the sound was coming from me.

"Foxhole1971" chips in with:

As a reformed member of the Vietcong and survivor of numerous F4 Phantom Napalm strikes, I can say with confidence that the Yanks used the wrong ingredients for their incendiary devices.

I applied a small dab of this product onto my gentleman's sphericals and the searing pain was immediate, intense and will cause me flashbacks for the rest of my life. My poor swollen glands now have a blue hue and I fear they will never recover.

Had Colonel Kilgore and his dogs used this against my brave communist brothers we would have surrendered immediately.

And there's plenty more where that came from. Regular readers will, of course, be reminded of the legendary Oxo Tower reviews, and the passionate online reception for Katie Price and Peter Andre's A Whole New World. ®

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