So what's the worst movie NEVER made?
Reader pitches invited for imaginary cinematic outrages
Competition Our hunt for the worst movie ever proved highly popular with you, our beloved cinema-going readers, and the list of nominees makes such chilling reading that we began to wonder if it would be possible to shoot a film so atrocious that it would prompt audiences to run screaming from the cinema vowing never again to badmouth Battlefield Earth.
It can't be done, we hear you cry, not even by M Night Shamalamadingdong or Tommy "You're tearing me apart!" Wiseau.
However, we believe it is possible, and accordingly are inviting pitches for the worst film never made. For example, consider Heart of Darkness helmed by the incomparable Michael Bay. Set in an inexorably dark, post-apocalyptic New York dominated by murderous CGI robots, Adam Sandler as Marlow is tasked with delivering a Razzie to a prosthetically-fattened, cross-dressing Eddie Murphy who presents a wisecracking re-imagining of Kurtz.
Marlow's task is made doubly difficult by the presence of his shouty Jewish twin sister Marlette (also Sandler), whose comedy flatulence offers an entertaining counterpoint to a dramatic and haunting score by Enya, Bjork and 50 Cent.
Cameos include Lindsay Lohan as a lonely deli waitress who enjoys a brief dalliance with Marlow's companion cartoon cat (hilariously voiced by Antonio Banderas), a side-splitting Jar Jar Binks doing his famous impersonation of the black maid from Tom and Jerry, and Paris Hilton, tackling the challenging role of Kurtz's fiancée, who woodenly refuses to believe Marlow's explanation that her betrothed simply hammed himself into an early career grave before the emergency scriptwriting team could intervene.
The film's climactic ending, in which the world is saved from destruction by the timely arrival of Keanu Reeves and a really, really big CGI robot, serves to underline the duality of human nature and the need to love our fragile planet.
You get the idea. No doubt you can do better, so bring it on. Your pitches should include a summary of the movie, as above, and cast and directorial credits. Feel free to throw in as much stuff as you like, but keep it under 300 words.
In a couple of weeks, we'll take our pick of the top 20 or so, and present them for the traditional El Reg public vote. The winner will receive nothing less than the DVDs of the top 10 worst movies ever, as per the standings when we close our worst movie poll next week. The runner-up will get the top five titles, while third place will get the poll winner (very likely the aforementioned Battlefield Earth, if the current placings are any indication).
If a particular DVD is unavailable, we'll substitute it with the next available title in the poll listing. The winners need not fret about their DVD region, we'll make sure they get the right discs.
Email your entries to me here, or post them as a comment to this story. A few points: Your proposed film can be based on an existing literary work, or film (in the case of a re-imagining), or be an entirely fresh concept. Multiple entries are permitted. Exceed 300 words on any single pitch, and it'll be tossed into the cutting-room bin. Deadline for entries is next Friday (20 April) at 17.00 UK time (16.00 GMT/ 9.00 Pacific/ 12.00 Eastern).
Finally, just to get your creative juices flowing, here are the 20 worst films which actually were made, as nominated by Reg readers:
- Avatar (James Cameron, 2009)
- Battlefield Earth (Roger Christian, 2000)
- Birdemic: Shock and Terror (James Nguyen, 2010)
- The Blair Witch Project (Daniel Myrick, Eduardo Sánchez, 1999)
- The Core (Jon Amiel, 2003)
- The Happening (M. Night Shyamalan, 2008)
- Highlander II (Russell Mulcahy, 1991)
- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (Garth Jennings, 2005)
- Manos: The Hands of Fate (Harold P. Warren, 1966)
- The Matrix Reloaded (Andy and Lana Wachowski, 2003)
- Megashark vs Giant Octopus (Jack Perez, 2003)
- The Phantom Menace (George Lucas, 1999)
- The Postman (Kevin Costner, 1997)
- The Room (Tommy Wiseau, 2003)
- Snakes on a Plane (David R. Ellis, 2006)
- Sunshine (Danny Boyle, 2007)
- Titanic (James Cameron, 1997)
- Troll 2 (Claudio Fragasso, 1990)
- Twilight (Catherine Hardwicke, 2008)
- War of the Worlds (Steven Spielberg, 2005)