Feeds

RIM retracts denial on consumer devices: Pulls out, spins in circle

'We want to target white-collar criminals'

Providing a secure and efficient Helpdesk

April Fool In an unprecedented retraction of a retraction, a RIM press officer has stated that their company is pulling out of the consumer market "once and for all."

Acknowledging that they had denied this fact two days earlier, the RIMmer sighed and said that sometimes people in the press office just made crap up. It's time to tell the truth, said Caspar Llewellyn-Elephant.

"While it's cool that an influential generation of tastemakers enjoy our aspirational brands and products" said the spokesperson, "we are fed up with cheapskate consumers spending £15 a month with us, and using BBM to organise footwear theft".

"This poor, young segment is no longer a segment we wish to target."

Elephant said that RIM wanted to refocus on their strengths: "In future we'd like to restrict the use of our social network to stockbrokers, high ranking civil servants and other people who, for whatever reason, wish to pay for enterprise-grade server security solutions. We can almost guarantee that photos of customers' cocks will not end up on Twitter."

"We have assessed the impact of being down with the kids, and have decided to refocus away from the kids, by Q3 2012," the spokesperson candidly admitted. "We no longer wish to provide communications solutions for kids. Unless they are the kids of stockbrokers."

It is expected that future Blackberry handsets will come only in platinum, with each handset accompanied by its own unique server, tended by a personal server tender, and surrounded by slavering Alsatians.

"We face opportunities and challenges" said CEO Thorsten Heins. "And we have to do something really drastic quickly because our share prices are giving everyone in the company panic attacks. We looked at what HP have done recently - that is announcing something mad, then changing their minds - and we just asked ourselves: 'can we take that concept a step further?'" ®

Choosing a cloud hosting partner with confidence

More from The Register

next story
Same old iPad? NO. The new 'soft SIMs' are BIG NEWS
AppleSIM 'ware to allow quick switch of carriers
Brits: Google, can you scrape 60k pages from web, pleeease
Hey, c'mon Choc Factory, it's our 'right to be forgotten'
Of COURSE Stephen Elop's to blame for Nokia woes, says author
'Google did have some unique propositions for Nokia'
FCC, Google cast eye over millimetre wireless
The smaller the wave, the bigger 5G's chances of success
It's even GRIMMER up North after MEGA SKY BROADBAND OUTAGE
By 'eck! Eccles cake production thrown into jeopardy
Mobile coverage on trains really is pants
You thought it was just *insert your provider here*, but now we have numbers
Don't mess with Texas ('cos it's getting Google Fiber and you're not)
A bit late, but company says 1Gbps Austin network almost ready to compete with AT&T
prev story

Whitepapers

Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
Why cloud backup?
Combining the latest advancements in disk-based backup with secure, integrated, cloud technologies offer organizations fast and assured recovery of their critical enterprise data.
Win a year’s supply of chocolate
There is no techie angle to this competition so we're not going to pretend there is, but everyone loves chocolate so who cares.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
Intelligent flash storage arrays
Tegile Intelligent Storage Arrays with IntelliFlash helps IT boost storage utilization and effciency while delivering unmatched storage savings and performance.