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RIM retracts denial on consumer devices: Pulls out, spins in circle

'We want to target white-collar criminals'

3 Big data security analytics techniques

April Fool In an unprecedented retraction of a retraction, a RIM press officer has stated that their company is pulling out of the consumer market "once and for all."

Acknowledging that they had denied this fact two days earlier, the RIMmer sighed and said that sometimes people in the press office just made crap up. It's time to tell the truth, said Caspar Llewellyn-Elephant.

"While it's cool that an influential generation of tastemakers enjoy our aspirational brands and products" said the spokesperson, "we are fed up with cheapskate consumers spending £15 a month with us, and using BBM to organise footwear theft".

"This poor, young segment is no longer a segment we wish to target."

Elephant said that RIM wanted to refocus on their strengths: "In future we'd like to restrict the use of our social network to stockbrokers, high ranking civil servants and other people who, for whatever reason, wish to pay for enterprise-grade server security solutions. We can almost guarantee that photos of customers' cocks will not end up on Twitter."

"We have assessed the impact of being down with the kids, and have decided to refocus away from the kids, by Q3 2012," the spokesperson candidly admitted. "We no longer wish to provide communications solutions for kids. Unless they are the kids of stockbrokers."

It is expected that future Blackberry handsets will come only in platinum, with each handset accompanied by its own unique server, tended by a personal server tender, and surrounded by slavering Alsatians.

"We face opportunities and challenges" said CEO Thorsten Heins. "And we have to do something really drastic quickly because our share prices are giving everyone in the company panic attacks. We looked at what HP have done recently - that is announcing something mad, then changing their minds - and we just asked ourselves: 'can we take that concept a step further?'" ®

3 Big data security analytics techniques

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