Feeds

RIM retracts denial on consumer devices: Pulls out, spins in circle

'We want to target white-collar criminals'

Build a business case: developing custom apps

April Fool In an unprecedented retraction of a retraction, a RIM press officer has stated that their company is pulling out of the consumer market "once and for all."

Acknowledging that they had denied this fact two days earlier, the RIMmer sighed and said that sometimes people in the press office just made crap up. It's time to tell the truth, said Caspar Llewellyn-Elephant.

"While it's cool that an influential generation of tastemakers enjoy our aspirational brands and products" said the spokesperson, "we are fed up with cheapskate consumers spending £15 a month with us, and using BBM to organise footwear theft".

"This poor, young segment is no longer a segment we wish to target."

Elephant said that RIM wanted to refocus on their strengths: "In future we'd like to restrict the use of our social network to stockbrokers, high ranking civil servants and other people who, for whatever reason, wish to pay for enterprise-grade server security solutions. We can almost guarantee that photos of customers' cocks will not end up on Twitter."

"We have assessed the impact of being down with the kids, and have decided to refocus away from the kids, by Q3 2012," the spokesperson candidly admitted. "We no longer wish to provide communications solutions for kids. Unless they are the kids of stockbrokers."

It is expected that future Blackberry handsets will come only in platinum, with each handset accompanied by its own unique server, tended by a personal server tender, and surrounded by slavering Alsatians.

"We face opportunities and challenges" said CEO Thorsten Heins. "And we have to do something really drastic quickly because our share prices are giving everyone in the company panic attacks. We looked at what HP have done recently - that is announcing something mad, then changing their minds - and we just asked ourselves: 'can we take that concept a step further?'" ®

Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops

More from The Register

next story
UK fuzz want PINCODES on ALL mobile phones
Met Police calls for mandatory passwords on all new mobes
Canadian ISP Shaw falls over with 'routing' sickness
How sure are you of cloud computing now?
Don't call it throttling: Ericsson 'priority' tech gives users their own slice of spectrum
Actually it's a nifty trick - at least you'll pay for what you get
Three floats Jolla in Hong Kong: Says Sailfish is '3rd option'
Network throws hat into ring with Linux-powered handsets
Fifteen zero days found in hacker router comp romp
Four routers rooted in SOHOpelessly Broken challenge
New Sprint CEO says he will lower axe on staff – but prices come first
'Very disruptive' new rates to be revealed next week
US TV stations bowl sueball directly at FCC's spectrum mega-sale
Broadcasters upset about coverage and cost as they shift up and down the dials
Trans-Pacific: Google spaffs cash on FAST undersea packet-flinging
One of 6 backers for new 60 Tbps cable to hook US to Japan
Tech city types developing 'Google Glass for the blind' app
An app and service where other people 'see' for you
UK mobile coverage is BETTER than EVER, networks tell Ofcom
Regulator swallows this line and parrots it back out at us. What are they playing at?
prev story

Whitepapers

5 things you didn’t know about cloud backup
IT departments are embracing cloud backup, but there’s a lot you need to know before choosing a service provider. Learn all the critical things you need to know.
Implementing global e-invoicing with guaranteed legal certainty
Explaining the role local tax compliance plays in successful supply chain management and e-business and how leading global brands are addressing this.
Build a business case: developing custom apps
Learn how to maximize the value of custom applications by accelerating and simplifying their development.
Rethinking backup and recovery in the modern data center
Combining intelligence, operational analytics, and automation to enable efficient, data-driven IT organizations using the HP ABR approach.
Next gen security for virtualised datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.