Feeds

Revealed: Google's SECRET London office

Remarkable snaps of subterranean bunker complex

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops

Earlier this week, El Reg got its sweaty paws on some exclusive snaps of the new Google outpost in London's Central St Giles building.

Our correspondent noted that some staff will relocate to the new pad from the search monolith's current base in Victoria, but wondered just where the rest of the Google drones would end up once the lease on that edifice ran out.

Well, we can sensationally reveal that they've already moved to a vast bunker complex somewhere under the capital, although we can't tell you exactly where since our informant "Deep Throat" obliged us to swear a solemn oath of silence.

He did, however, provide us with quite remarkable photographs of the subterranean Googleplex, including images of the bog-standard lap-dancing booths, whalesong-washed chill-out rooms, and orgy-friendly circular sofas.

Nothing new there, but prepare your minds to be well and truly boggled at what is without doubt the most impressive corporate HQ since Ernst Stavro Blofeld set up shop in an extinct Japanese volcano.

Click on any of the photos for a bigger version. Here's the reception area:

The reception are at Google's office

The dress code is evidently casual, but the security's anything but. It goes without saying that everyone at Google is beautiful, but these Aryan "Public Interface Operatives" are trained in 40 ways to kill with their bare hands, armed to the teeth and under orders to liquidate anyone from Microsoft who attempts to enter the building without an appointment.

You'll note that there's an additional member of its security staff waiting in the wings, in the event of that Beast of Redmond special forces mount a massed charge on the front desk.

If you think this is all a bit excessive, here's what all those staff are protecting: the room from which Google controls the internet, and therefore the world...

Inside the Google internet control room

The boys from corporate acquisitions have popped for a chat and to see if there's anything out there in cyberspace Google doesn't yet own. On the right is Bob from accounts, who's got some "buyout doubloons" at the ready, just in case.

Doubtless some of you reject the idea that Google controls the known universe, but here's how the company puts the frighteners on those who stand in its way:

Inside Google's executive dining room

This is the executive dining room, where Google potentates entertain guests and talk them round to the Mountain View view of a brighter future. The invitee in this case is the president of some minor European nation which has resisted an invasion by Street View spymobiles.

If he and his wife aren't intimidated by the presence of the Google Praetorian Guard, then the robotic shark with frikkin' laser beams coming out of its eyes ought to persuade them that perhaps Orwellian black Opels should be welcomed with open arms.

Yes, it's true. Google now has a laser-armed robotic shark capability, but that's just part of its chilling scientific work down at Google Labs. Here we can see a recent experiment to implant the brain stem of a dog into a YouTube commentard:

Inside the Google Lab where surgeons prepare the human/dog experiment

The idea was that if he can't be stopped gobbing off on the internet, then he can at least be trained to do something useful, like bringing you your slippers.

It apparently worked, because here's a typical employee in the Google bunker being offered said slippers by his own "Canotard":

Typical working conditions at Google

He also has a personal team at his disposal, including a Thai "Happy Ending" masseur or masseuse, according to taste, a pizza chef, a nurse and a bikini-clad assistant.

In case you're wondering what the background's all about, we should explain that every Google employee has his own holodeck capability, so if he feels he'd be more creative in Hawaii, it's just a button press away.

Pretty impressive stuff, and just as well, since the Vulture Central mainframe has just calculated that within 43 years, everyone on Earth will work for Google. ®

Related stories

You can find all of our shock miniature revelations right here.

The essential guide to IT transformation

More from The Register

next story
Our LOHAN spaceplane ballocket Kickstarter climbs through £8000
Through 25 per cent but more is needed: Get your UNIQUE rewards!
LOHAN tunes into ultra long range radio
And verily, Vultures shall speak status unto distant receivers
EOS, Lockheed to track space junk from Oz
WA facility gets laser-eyes out of the fog
Volcanic eruption in Iceland triggers CODE RED aviation warning
Lava-spitting Bárðarbunga prompts action from Met Office
NASA to reformat Opportunity rover's memory from 125 million miles away
Interplanetary admins will back up data and get to work
Major cyber attack hits Norwegian oil industry
Statoil, the gas giant behind the Scandie social miracle, targeted
prev story

Whitepapers

Implementing global e-invoicing with guaranteed legal certainty
Explaining the role local tax compliance plays in successful supply chain management and e-business and how leading global brands are addressing this.
Endpoint data privacy in the cloud is easier than you think
Innovations in encryption and storage resolve issues of data privacy and key requirements for companies to look for in a solution.
Why cloud backup?
Combining the latest advancements in disk-based backup with secure, integrated, cloud technologies offer organizations fast and assured recovery of their critical enterprise data.
Consolidation: The Foundation for IT Business Transformation
In this whitepaper learn how effective consolidation of IT and business resources can enable multiple, meaningful business benefits.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?