Lelo Mia USB lipstick vibrator

Now this is sexy. Of course, it's Swedish. The Lelo Mia looks like a really expensive lipstick and comes in a beautiful box all black and satin, how very enticing. Something you would want to show your friends at every opportunity, rather than hideaway, this mini vibrator even charges off your computer from USB. It has four modes all exceptionally quiet but intense.

Lasting around three hours a charge, it was plenty long enough to show to everyone at the pub Friday night and still have some power left over come home time. I will only say this once, believe me this little darling is better than flowers or chocs and at around £35 probably cost the same. Classy and value for money you say? Definitely.

Magic Wand vibrator

Terrifying. Just terrifying. Weighs as much as a sack of potatoes and looks akin to an industrial whisk. This monster is sold as a stress-relieving massager (wink, wink) and definitely looks extremely orthopaedic, and I'd know having just broken my leg. In use, say goodbye to any no erotic whispering here – with the amount of noise and vibration this baby generates I almost had to shout to be heard.

It has two speeds, both close to jackhammer strength. It's mains powered with a fittingly thick industrial cord because, seriously, if this thing ran on batteries and you gave it to someone as a Valentine's gift, you'd be broke by March. People, seriously, white is never a good colour for a sex toy.

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