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US quakes before MENACING TURKEYS, snow globes

Border control operatives hunt down anomalous pies

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Americans have been advised to head for the bunkers as Department of Homeland Security quakes before the latest threat existential threat to the union: Thanksgiving.

The department, founded in the wake of the September 11 attacks, tweeted a series of warnings to worried citizens yesterday, as the danger level escalated.

The main threat appears to be from deep-fried turkeys. But snow globes and anomalous pies have also been fingered in the ongoing holiday security crackdown.

Yesterday at lunch time, it warned concerned citizens:

Use turkey fryers at safe distance f/ buildings. Never use turkey fryers in a garage or on a wooden deck

An update just two hours later added:

#Turkey safety: Make sure the turkey is completely thawed before placing in a fryer, or this may happen (video) youtube.com/watch?v=yObDuY...

As the deep-fried turkey threat level increased, the agency tweeted two hours later to warn all Americans to review their family's emergency plans over the holiday period, and provided a link to a selection of cheerful conversation starters.

However, the hydra-headed DHS is not letting the growing menace of deep-fried turkey distract it from other threats, and has highlighted its efforts to counter other dreaded holiday items.

Pies are permitted on planes, its in-house blogger advised, "but they are subject to additional screening if our officers see any anomalies".

Live turkeys are also permitted, though not, presumably deep-fried.

Other forbidden items are snow globes, because: "They are sealed containers full of liquid that would have to be opened and destroyed to test."

It also advised flyers to check their bags for guns and knives, although it accepted this "sounds silly". But yes, it appears some people to forget to pack everything needed for an extended break with the family. ®

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