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No, really. Your CV really, really stinks. I read these things for a living and the quality varies a lot more than it should considering what you are selling.

Over the next few years you are asking to be paid more than the cost of a Ferrari and the desk space, computer kit and coffee you use over that time means you cost at least twice what you earn.

Does Ferrari say it makes “reelly good carrrs”? No, it bloody doesn’t. So why do you spell the name of your degree subject wrong? Why do you use slightly different fonts in each paragraph that screw with my ancient pimp’s eyes?

Why in the name of God do you think I care that you did OS/2 v1.1 in 1989? You may have just finished a PhD in Physics from Cambridge or Stanford, but your astonishing lack of any clue is demonstrated by the fact that more space is given over to the summer job you had in Starbucks than describing why you might actually be of use to the investment banks I recruit for.

Sometimes, just to wind me up, you send me a blue CV. Yes, black text on a blue background. Not only does the motivation for this leave me dumbfounded but when I blogged that this was silly several people somehow interpreted “please don’t send blue CVs” as “please do”.

Why do you send your CV to me with no mobile phone number? Do you not have one? Nor a landline? Why do you think your religion means you are a great match for my requirement of hardcore C++ skills?

I already know you want to leave your current job or else we wouldn’t be talking. So why are you listing the defects of your employer? Do you think it makes you look good?

Why did you send the file as a Word document? That may not sound too bad until you realise that every damned word you spelled wrong is underlined in red on my screen and your grammar is also ridiculed by a £70 bit of software that is apparently smarter than you.

You are a waste of space

Space on your CV is incredibly valuable; you can’t list every reason to give you money. So why do you put “Curriculum vitae” in 24 point? I know it’s a CV, and I know the rambling list of failed projects you worked on is your “Professional Experience”. You could have used those lines for a buzzword that might have got you an interview.

In case that rant hasn’t got through, let me explain that even in a good market the art of recruitment almost entirely involves weeding out the losers, and let me tell you right here officially as the best known headhunter in finance: these ain't the best of times.

The standard algorithm for badly spelled, crap CVs is to throw them away; not only will recruiting managers tell you this but so will HR.

The average HR has to deal with everything from sales droids to accountants as well as thirty different flavours of techie. Do you think she has a deep and informed view of the relative merits of Python and Ruby? Really? And she knows that Sybase SQL is much nearer MS SQL than either are to Oracle? Get real. She can, however, spell and identify sloppiness, which is not ideal for someone vying to write the backup script for critical servers. Did I say any of this was fair? No, I did not.

You wrote your CV years ago when you realised the first job you took was a terrible mistake, then you added a bit more when you moved and now you include things that even you don’t care about anymore.

Application security programs and practises

Next page: You are a liar

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