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BOFH: I'll get my bonus even if it kills, well, someone

Goals, reviews ... unexpected tragedies

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PFY crosses the line

"He lived the same way as the auditor?"

"Well there's the funny thing - he lives on a completely different line but got a bit confused with the escalators and things and ended up on the same platform. Which is how we know what happened."

"Okay, we'll just put that to one side for the moment. What about this project?"

"Which project?"

"Standardised install image."

"Yeah, I didn't do that either ..."

"The review process again?"

"No, this was more a timing thing."

"Not enough time?"

"Pretty much. I proposed an image which was a secure OS install, Office 2010, VPN Client for portables and Firefox or Explorer as a browser."

"And?"

"And people weren't happy with that, so we organised a meeting for them to come up with ideas for their standard image."

"And what did they come up with?"

"It's only been six months - it's too soon to tell. They'll probably never get back to me though. Asking a group of people to collectively agree on the best browser is just a black hole for time."

"I ... see. Well here's one - Incident Reporting System. What was that about?"

"Senior management wanted us to produce stats on the availability of our systems - outages, response times, usage levels, etc, so that they knew about significant incidents."

"And don't tell me - you didn't do that either?"

"No, we did that. We even did some statistics on the amount of use the statistics system got too. Zero per cent. No one looked at it - like we said they wouldn't. So it's effectively the same thing as not doing it."

"You realise that your bonus is contingent upon achieving at least 60 per cent of last year's goals and that to receive your full bonus you have to achieve more than 90 per cent?"

"Yes, but I have other goals. There was the project to create a device that sounds an alarm if the PFY happens to be on the same train platform as you - that's got to be worth 70 per cent all by itself."

"Hardly."

"Really? I'd think it'd be right up your alley - being in IT Management and all. You're a Central line man aren't you?"

"I ... see your point. Do you happen to have one with you?"

"I do. And for 20 extra per cent I can tune it to work near bus stations, unguarded pedestrian crossings and tube station escalators."

"I ... it's a deal, I guess."

"Okay - sign here and clip this to your belt."

. . .

"There's been a terrible accident!!!!" the PFY gasps.

"Stairwells. Of course," I murmur.

Still, something to add to next year's goals. ®

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