Feeds

COMET WILL DEFINITELY NOT HIT EARTH – NASA

Aaiee! We're all going to die!

Top 5 reasons to deploy VMware with Tegile

OMFG Rather worryingly, US space agency NASA has out of the blue issued a strident denial that an approaching comet poses any threat to planet Earth.

"COMET ELENIN POSES NO THREAT TO EARTH," begins the NASA statement emailed to the Register.

"Often, comets are portrayed as harbingers of gloom and doom in movies and on television, but most pose no threat to Earth," it continues, adding, "Comet Elenin, the latest comet to visit our inner solar system, is no exception" (presumably is no exception to the rule that most comets are harmless, rather than the rule that some of them, apparently, do pose a threat).

The space agency goes on to say that Comet Elenin will make its closest approach to Earth on 16 October, at which point it will be 22 million miles away – more than 90 times as far off as the Moon.

A handy Q&A is also included, which rather labours the central point that Comet Elenin will definitely not crash into the Earth and wipe out all life on its surface. Nor will it cause any other apocalyptic disasters:

Q: Can this celestial object cause shifting of the tides or even tectonic plates here on Earth?

A: [Paraphrasing NASA] No. Idiot.

Q: I've heard about three days of darkness because of Comet Elenin. Will Elenin block out the sun for three days?

A: [Again paraphrasing a rather waffley answer] WTF? No!

And best of all:

Q: Why aren't you talking more about Comet Elenin? If these things are small and nothing to worry about, why has there been no public info on Comet Elenin?

A: [Again, distilled] Because it is small and nothing to worry about! Moron.

Nonetheless we feel sure that all right-thinking internet denizens will react to this unconvincing, overly wordy denial with the disbelief it deserves, and will wonder just what NASA has to hide here – if not indulge in a full-fledged and hopefully mildly hilarious panic.

As ever, feel free to share your thoughts in the comments or by mail. ®

Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops

More from The Register

next story
Facebook's Zuckerberg in EBOLA VIRUS FIGHT: Billionaire battles bug
US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention contacted as site supremo coughs up
Space exploration is just so lame. NEW APPS are mankind's future
We feel obliged to point out the headline statement is total, utter cobblers
Win a year’s supply of chocolate (no tech knowledge required)
Over £200 worth of the good stuff up for grabs
Down-under record: Australian gets $140k for pussy
'Tiffany' closes deal - 'it's more common to offer your wife', says agent
Internet finally ready to replace answering machine cassette tape
It's a simple message and I'm leaving out the whistles and bells
Swiss wildlife park serves up furry residents to visitors
'It's ecological' says spokesman, now how would you like your Bambi done?
The iPAD launch BEFORE it happened: SPECULATIVE GUFF ahead of actual event
Nerve-shattering run-up to the pre-planned known event
STONER SHEEP get the MUNCHIES after feasting on £4k worth of cannabis plants
Baaaaaa! Fanny's Farm's woolly flock is high, maaaaaan
FedEx helps deliver THOUSANDS of spam messages DIRECT to its Blighty customers
Don't worry Wilson, I'll do all the paddling. You just hang on
Red Bull does NOT give you wings, $13.5m lawsuit says so
Website letting consumers claim $10 cash back crashes after stampede
prev story

Whitepapers

Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
Why cloud backup?
Combining the latest advancements in disk-based backup with secure, integrated, cloud technologies offer organizations fast and assured recovery of their critical enterprise data.
Win a year’s supply of chocolate
There is no techie angle to this competition so we're not going to pretend there is, but everyone loves chocolate so who cares.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
Intelligent flash storage arrays
Tegile Intelligent Storage Arrays with IntelliFlash helps IT boost storage utilization and effciency while delivering unmatched storage savings and performance.