Feeds

COMET WILL DEFINITELY NOT HIT EARTH – NASA

Aaiee! We're all going to die!

Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops

OMFG Rather worryingly, US space agency NASA has out of the blue issued a strident denial that an approaching comet poses any threat to planet Earth.

"COMET ELENIN POSES NO THREAT TO EARTH," begins the NASA statement emailed to the Register.

"Often, comets are portrayed as harbingers of gloom and doom in movies and on television, but most pose no threat to Earth," it continues, adding, "Comet Elenin, the latest comet to visit our inner solar system, is no exception" (presumably is no exception to the rule that most comets are harmless, rather than the rule that some of them, apparently, do pose a threat).

The space agency goes on to say that Comet Elenin will make its closest approach to Earth on 16 October, at which point it will be 22 million miles away – more than 90 times as far off as the Moon.

A handy Q&A is also included, which rather labours the central point that Comet Elenin will definitely not crash into the Earth and wipe out all life on its surface. Nor will it cause any other apocalyptic disasters:

Q: Can this celestial object cause shifting of the tides or even tectonic plates here on Earth?

A: [Paraphrasing NASA] No. Idiot.

Q: I've heard about three days of darkness because of Comet Elenin. Will Elenin block out the sun for three days?

A: [Again paraphrasing a rather waffley answer] WTF? No!

And best of all:

Q: Why aren't you talking more about Comet Elenin? If these things are small and nothing to worry about, why has there been no public info on Comet Elenin?

A: [Again, distilled] Because it is small and nothing to worry about! Moron.

Nonetheless we feel sure that all right-thinking internet denizens will react to this unconvincing, overly wordy denial with the disbelief it deserves, and will wonder just what NASA has to hide here – if not indulge in a full-fledged and hopefully mildly hilarious panic.

As ever, feel free to share your thoughts in the comments or by mail. ®

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

More from The Register

next story
Apple CEO Tim Cook: My well-known gayness is 'a gift from GOD'
'I have benefited from the sacrifice of others'
MEN: For pity's sake SLEEP with LOTS of WOMEN - and avoid Prostate Cancer
And, um, don't sleep with other men. If that's what worries you
Jim Beam me up, Scotty! WHISKY from SPAAACE returns to Earth
They're insured for $1m, before you thirsty folks make plans
Now: The REAL APPLE NEWS you need to know
OMG! Gravity's totes amazeballs. Calm down, George Clooney, not your film
Boffins who stare at goats: I do believe they’re SHRINKING
Alpine chamois being squashed by global warming
Let's make an app that POSTS your POO to APPLE HQ
Plus: It's OPEN WARFARE in the Linux greybeard world
Adorkable overshare of words like photobomb in this year's dictionaries
And hipsters are finally defined as self-loathing. Sort of
Not a loyal follower of @BritishMonarchy? You missed The QUEEN*'s first Tweet
Her Maj opens 'Information Age' at the Science Museum
prev story

Whitepapers

Why and how to choose the right cloud vendor
The benefits of cloud-based storage in your processes. Eliminate onsite, disk-based backup and archiving in favor of cloud-based data protection.
Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
Reg Reader Research: SaaS based Email and Office Productivity Tools
Read this Reg reader report which provides advice and guidance for SMBs towards the use of SaaS based email and Office productivity tools.
Saudi Petroleum chooses Tegile storage solution
A storage solution that addresses company growth and performance for business-critical applications of caseware archive and search along with other key operational systems.
Protecting users from Firesheep and other Sidejacking attacks with SSL
Discussing the vulnerabilities inherent in Wi-Fi networks, and how using TLS/SSL for your entire site will assure security.