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London rioters should 'loose all benefits'

Angry e-petition demands serious, if misspelled, action

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

Amid angry calls for UK rioters to face plastic bullets, water cannon, the Army, a spell in the Army, jail or all of the above, comes this e-petition demanding that the feral youth of Britain be stripped of their state hand-outs.

Or rather, it insists that convicted public disorder offenders "loose all benefits", which we imagine is some kind of welfare state equivalent of letting slip the dogs of war.

The text clarifies: "Any persons convicted of criminal acts during the current London riots should have all financial benefits removed. No tax payer should have to contribute to those who have destroyed property, stolen from their community and shown a disregard for the country that provides for them."

The Department for Work and Pensions is going to have to take this particular e-petition seriously, since it had already clocked up just under 71,000 signatures, as we publish this from the Vulture Central insurrection-proof London bunker complex.

We have no doubt that when the government agrees to the taxpayers' demands it will instruct the DWP as to how exactly rioters' benefits are to be "loosed", while the Metropolitan Police will certainly need guidelines on protecting law-abiding citizens' lunchboxes from packs of penniless and starving hoodies. ®

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