At Bestival a few year's back, I was led around the site's entire circumference while helping a certain lady try finding her tent. "It's near a teepee," she said. "There's toilets in the distance," she cried. As you can imagine, the effort was fruitless and she eventually came back to my camp. Pity.
If only we had modern technology to fall back on. The Loc8tor Lite is a credit card-sized device for finding lost possessions. Simply leave one of the supplied mini-homing tags in your tent and, using radio frequency tech, the Loc8tor handheld beeps you in the necessary direction.
With support for up to to four tags, you could even stamp your valuables in case they go walkabout.
There is a maximum distance of roughly 400ft, so if you're trying to find your tent from afar, you may still stumble. After over-indulging on the local produce, it may be a tricky ask to even remember which field you're in. The Loc8tor Lite could be the guiding hand you need.
More Info Loc8tor
Motorola TLKR T8
We all know how dodgy phone signals can get at Glastonbury and keeping in contact with the entourage is seldom easy. Not only do walkie-talkies help in the circumstances, but for added fun, you can hack into other camper's broadcasts, winding them up with immature messages and false instructions. Pathetic I know, but it never ceases to entertain.
I once brought a set to Glasto a few years back, only for them to completely die after cooking in my tent under extreme midday sun. Unlike those cheapo models, the Motorola TLKR T8s are built to last. They're also splashproof, so while they probably wouldn't enjoy a Glasto-onslaught such as the floods of 2005, they should survive the average torrential downpour.
The T8s pack an LED torch, the ability to group call multiple handsets and a decent battery life of 16 hours. While there are alternate options with a longer range, 10km should be sufficient and there are plenty of channels to connect through.
With a set of these, at least you know you'll get 'rogered' at the next festival, no matter how filthy or starry-eyed you look. Over and out.
More Info Motorola
Next page: Olympus Tough TG-810
Hollyoaks scripwriters working for El Reg
Motorola TLKR T8
....I once brought a set to Glasto a few years back...
No, you TOOK a set.
I can't help it - it's an illness
The best security at Glasto is to go as a group of about 15. Arrive late Wednesday. Find a nice patch towards the top corner of a field (but not so close you get the pissers) and set up your tents in a circle all linked together with cris-cross guy ropes and only one entrance. Set up a pole in the middle with a flashing L.E.D. Get a particularly motherly aunt to come along, who'll mostly stay with the tents, reading, knitting, chatting to similar women (or guys even).
Don't even think about moving off until late Monday afternoon.
Worked for us in 2000 and we had a fantastic stress-free time with no worries, no losses, and no getting lost.
Wouldn't an IR sensor see straight through the flimsy fabric of a tent?
The alarm would be set of by every hippy who stumbled past.
If you need a heated sleeping bag then you must have accidentally gone to bed at night. In which case, why not stay at home with your giant slipper and a nice cup of cocoa and listen to the highlights on Radio 2?
And anybody who takes their own speakers to a festival needs to be dragged out by their short hairs and strung up from the security fence as a warning to others.
With the possible exception of the waterproof bags (99p for a roll of twenty posh bin bags from your local supermarket), all of this stuff is about as festival-friendly as a mohair cardigan and stilleto heels.
No wonder Glastonbury has gone all U2 if this is an indication of the state of today's festival goer.