Feeds

Verity Stob and the super subjunction

Excuse me, Miss, but your pronouns need upgrading

High performance access to file storage

Spelling changes

Here is a feature introduced after years of lobbying from the likes of the Campain for Basicer Inglish and Middle-class Mums of Much Misunderstood Dyslexic Kids Group, and in recognition of the ever greater part played by the computer and its keyboard in so-called 'written' English.

It has been found that it is nearly physically impossible to type the characters in certain words correctly at first attempt - one is always doomed to halt, back up and try again, driven by the WRUOF (Wriggly, Red Underline Of Failure of course, please make some effort to keep up).

V3.31 allows and endorses certain new alternative spellings that realistically reflect the keystrokes typed to spell them.

Some examples:

gua ⇐⇐auge

seperate ⇐⇐⇐⇐⇐arate

heirachy ⇐⇐⇐⇐⇐⇐⇐ierachy ⇐⇐⇐⇐rarchy ⇐⇐⇐⇐⇐⇐⇐⇐⇐⇐list

There is much interest in how these new spellings will be recie ⇐⇐eived.

By the way, an alternative spelling proposal, which aimed to differentiate better between so-called 'British' English and its assorted inferior knock-offs, has been resoundingly rejected to the disappointment of many. The idea, backed by the Tourist Board among others, was to boost the general kookynicity  of British spellings in general and word endings in particular. In short, to take the ball introduced by such pairings as analogue/analog, colour/color and programme/program and run it out of the gridiron and over the try line.

For example, the noun 'dog' was to be respelled 'dogue', giving it a 66% boost in angliosity, and the days of the weeke were to be reworked with an  'arts and crafts' feel with carefully-designed, synthetically  yet sympathetically retro-blended syllables: Thursnobdaye.

Notoriously, some 'laboratoree' experiments to improve the Brit factor have escaped into the wild. For example, the scheme to improve the verb 'lose' by (confusingly) spelling it 'loose', and also the bright idea to decorate the possessive form of the pronoun 'it' with a worthless-but-attractive apostrophe. These have become pests like American mink in Devon or coypu in East Anglia, and may be freely hunted in the wild.

To demonstrate the practicality of their idea, the proposers of Brittee Inglespeak even translated a long term weather forecast using the so-called 'heritage' vocabulary to demonstrate its versatility:

Whan that Aprill, with his shoures soote the droghte of March hath perced to the roote and bathed every veyne in swich licour, of which vertu engendred is the flour...

Frankly, I can't see anybody wading through much of that stuff. A very quaint idea.

Dynamic typing

In V3.31 the ongoing reengineering of English from a stodgy, safe statically-typed language to a modern, dependency-subcutaneously-injected dynamically-typed language continues apace. Nouns can be freely and implicitly cast to verbs; adjectives take on the labour of adverbs at the drop of a -ly. Who, in 2011, is so ridiculous (sic) fuddy-duddy as to think differently? We all know to think different now.

However, it has been noticed that there has not been much traffic in the opposite direction recently, and the proponents of V3.31are very keen that upgraders should remember to make the most of the long-standing adjective-to-adverb facilities - or, as I suppose they would have me say, mostly to make use of the existing facilities. Hmm, that didn't go well. Anyway, next time you need to loose some abuse (sic, not Inglespeak), please consider it as an opportunity to speak bluely.

Next time

Next time: how it is that, despite decades of hostility from hoards of peevish academics and contrary grammarians, to carelessly split an infinitive in English V3.31 remains the sure-fire mark of an ignorant peasant. Plus I will have the complete list of newly-endorsed emoticons, including the one that, with two tildes, a semicolon and a caret, brilliantly summarised the great Du Maurier Punch cartoon, the one captioned Now, then, Mossoo, your Form is of the Manliest Beauty, and you are altogether a most attractive Object; but you've stood there long enough. So jump in and have done with it! (Yes it does too, it's here.)

Happy Englishingly!®

SANS - Survey on application security programs

More from The Register

next story
This time it's 'Personal': new Office 365 sub covers just two devices
Redmond also brings Office into Google's back yard
Oh no, Joe: WinPhone users already griping over 8.1 mega-update
Hang on. Which bit of Developer Preview don't you understand?
Microsoft lobs pre-release Windows Phone 8.1 at devs who dare
App makers can load it before anyone else, but if they do they're stuck with it
Half of Twitter's 'active users' are SILENT STALKERS
Nearly 50% have NEVER tweeted a word
Internet-of-stuff startup dumps NoSQL for ... SQL?
NoSQL taste great at first but lacks proper nutrients, says startup cloud whiz
Ditch the sync, paddle in the Streem: Upstart offers syncless sharing
Upload, delete and carry on sharing afterwards?
New Facebook phone app allows you to stalk your mates
Nearby Friends feature goes live in a few weeks
Microsoft TIER SMEAR changes app prices whether devs ask or not
Some go up, some go down, Redmond goes silent
Batten down the hatches, Ubuntu 14.04 LTS due in TWO DAYS
Admins dab straining server brows in advance of Trusty Tahr's long-term support landing
prev story

Whitepapers

SANS - Survey on application security programs
In this whitepaper learn about the state of application security programs and practices of 488 surveyed respondents, and discover how mature and effective these programs are.
Combat fraud and increase customer satisfaction
Based on their experience using HP ArcSight Enterprise Security Manager for IT security operations, Finansbank moved to HP ArcSight ESM for fraud management.
The benefits of software based PBX
Why you should break free from your proprietary PBX and how to leverage your existing server hardware.
Top three mobile application threats
Learn about three of the top mobile application security threats facing businesses today and recommendations on how to mitigate the risk.
3 Big data security analytics techniques
Applying these Big Data security analytics techniques can help you make your business safer by detecting attacks early, before significant damage is done.