Feeds

BOFH: Attack of the Global Corporate Overlords

Chaos at Mission Central

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Top three mobile application threats

Time to break out the rubber chicken

"No time like the present!" the PFY says, firing up the VC unit.

"So, are we all here?" the geek from corporate asks, once everyone's spent about 10 minutes introducing themselves to each other and making small talk.

"Yes we are," I say. "All sorted. So what do you want to know?"

"Right, well, if you can login to our corporate portal sketchpad we’ll just get you to scratch out the rough outline of your systems."

"Sure," I say. "What's the address?"

He passes me the address and I bash it in, only to get nothing.

"It's telling me access denied."

"Oh, that'll just be a reverse DNS thing – just turn off your website blocking."

"We don't have any website blocking!"

Website Blocking?

"Oh, well don't worry, we'll sort that our once you’re on our thin clients."

Thin Clients?

"Thin clients? You know we're administrators?"

"Yes, yes, of course. Although we'll be moving you to our cloud while we merge systems you'll still have complete control – via the portal configurator – to increase and decrease the virtual server parameters as required."

merg ... port ..?

"Yes, complete control," the PFY echoes in slight state of shock.

"I can shoot you off an email with the link if you want," another geek says. "You can log into the demo configurator and play to your heart's content. What's your address? Just a minute though, I'll just fire up Lotus Notes."

Lotus fucking Notes!!!

Around this time I notice that the PFY's facial tic has moved into overdrive and his eye is probably signalling: "Kill 'em! Kill 'em all!" in Morse code.

And less than an hour later everything's back to normal and the PFY and I are back to work while the company has slumped into depression.

"Was it something I said?" the PFY asks.

"It could have been. It may have been the FatCock software you said we'd designed for our many clients, it may have been my recounting the number of times we'd been sued for personal injury in the past couple of years, the hint that our systems could fall over at any time and leave us liable for both consequential and exemplary damages far in excess of the value of the company, or it could be just you flashing that rubber chicken out your flies at opportune moments – we may never know."

"So we've lost our 20 per cent bonus?" he asks sadly.

"It looks like. Still, if it's important to you I'll switch the UPS off remotely several weekends in a row until the overtime's cranked up enough."

"Ah, the silver lining ..."

"Is often the chiller bag they choke you with ..." ®

High performance access to file storage

More from The Register

next story
This time it's 'Personal': new Office 365 sub covers just two devices
Redmond also brings Office into Google's back yard
Kingston DataTraveler MicroDuo: Turn your phone into a 72GB beast
USB-usiness in the front, micro-USB party in the back
Dropbox defends fantastically badly timed Condoleezza Rice appointment
'Nothing is going to change with Dr. Rice's appointment,' file sharer promises
Inside the Hekaton: SQL Server 2014's database engine deconstructed
Nadella's database sqares the circle of cheap memory vs speed
BOFH: Oh DO tell us what you think. *CLICK*
$%%&amp Oh dear, we've been cut *CLICK* Well hello *CLICK* You're breaking up...
Just what could be inside Dropbox's new 'Home For Life'?
Biz apps, messaging, photos, email, more storage – sorry, did you think there would be cake?
Amazon reveals its Google-killing 'R3' server instances
A mega-memory instance that never forgets
Cisco reps flog Whiptail's Invicta arrays against EMC and Pure
Storage reseller report reveals who's selling what
prev story

Whitepapers

Top three mobile application threats
Learn about three of the top mobile application security threats facing businesses today and recommendations on how to mitigate the risk.
Combat fraud and increase customer satisfaction
Based on their experience using HP ArcSight Enterprise Security Manager for IT security operations, Finansbank moved to HP ArcSight ESM for fraud management.
The benefits of software based PBX
Why you should break free from your proprietary PBX and how to leverage your existing server hardware.
Five 3D headsets to be won!
We were so impressed by the Durovis Dive headset we’ve asked the company to give some away to Reg readers.
SANS - Survey on application security programs
In this whitepaper learn about the state of application security programs and practices of 488 surveyed respondents, and discover how mature and effective these programs are.