BOFH: Attack of the Global Corporate Overlords
Chaos at Mission Central
"There's going to be a takeover!" the PFY gasps, crashing into Mission Control.
"I thought you saw them off the premises," I reply, "although quite what you sawed off you never made clear. Thanks for that."
"No, the company – it's being taken over!"
"Really? Says who?"
"Says everyone. It's all over the building!"
Confirmation comes moments later when the Boss cruises into Mission Control with the news.
"It's the Americans!" he confirms.
"What, all of them?" the PFY asks.
"A large corporate. They're acquiring UK assets to diversify."
"Yes. All we've got to do is get through the due diligence process and we're sorted."
"'Sorted' meaning we get all get pay rises!"
"Oh yes," The Boss gushes excitedly. "All IT roles are now part of their technical pay scale, which is about 20 per cent above our current scale!!!"
"Really?" I say. "And what about contractors?"
"Contractors rates remain the same – BUT – they also have a six monthly bonus based on performance – up to 20 per cent of the salary!"
"So we're looking at a possible rise as well?" the PFY asks.
"Yes! And an extra week of holiday, free technical subscriptions, at least one overseas training course every year and free social club and gym memberships!"
"Sounds too good to be true."
"If you think that's too good to be true wait for this!" he burbles. "The company sponsors two social events a year, is implementing break-out rooms, games rooms, enhance thinking areas, 24x7 pizza ordering, triple overtime and free lunches."
"It certainly sounds compelling!" The PFY says. "What’s the catch?"
"There is none!!!!" the Boss chirps, even happier. "It's win-win for everyone. Obviously there's a few changes to be made to fit into their corporate profile, but they're minimal and won't really affect anything ..."
"Changes?" The PFY asks, before I can get in "What's this corporate profile?"
"It's the image that the Corporate presents to the world. I mean obviously they want to present the image of a mature and successful company to the world, and to do this they have some guidelines for staff appearance and behaviour – but they're not all that restrictive."
"How not restrictive?"
"It's all covered in the staff handbook. And the staff website."
"The staff handbook?"
"Yes, you would have got one delivered last night?"
"That was the handbook!" I gasp "I thought they’d delivered the Greater London Yellow Pages!"
"I put mine in the shredder," the PFY confesses. "It broke it."
"Well I suggest you use the website then – it's very informative – it has videos and everything."
"Videos!" the PFY says, oozing sarcasm...
"No, the training's on how it's not permitted."
Been there, seen it, done it, bought the T-shirt.
The scene: A boardroom in California. Said boardroom is of the large, airy variety and contains a selection of hideously expensive leather chairs and a mahogany table large enough to account for Indonesian deforestation.
The time: Only a few months after that incident when some nosey woman in California struck lucky and successfully sued her employers for a shitload of wonga. The grounds being that she was offended by a naughty joke she overheard someone telling to someone else.
The Actors: Me, another Brit working there as an expat and a load of Yanks.
Me: <Some technical question>
Yank #1: "We need <so-and-so> to answer that." Turns to colleague: "Why isn't he here, his input would have been valuable?"
Yank #2: "Sorry. He's away on mandatory sexual harassment training."
Me: <Look of mock horror> "My God. You need *training* for that over here? Doesn't it come naturally?"
All the yanks looked at me as if I'd just climbed on the table, dropped my kecks and laid a steamer. The exception was the lone Brit expat who had tears running down his cheeks and most of a shirtsleeve stuffed in his mouth to prevent himself laughing and getting fired for it.
Lotus Fucking Notes
3 million users.
Not one of them by choice.
New keyboard please!
Lotus fucking Notes!!! Just love this, does anyone use this for real? Mind you the last I heard was that IBM consultants still used it.