Feeds

US admiral reveals safety plan for Zombie Apocalypse

Pack your bags. Don't forget towel

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

The Power of One Brief: Top reasons to choose HP BladeSystem

The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have released a report on how to prepare for the zombie apocalypse.

In a blog post, Rear Admiral Ali S Khan, assistant surgeon general and director of the Office of Public Health Preparedness and Response, provides a brief history of the zombie and explains the dos and don'ts of coping with the phenomenon, which has morphed from its origins in Haiti and New Orleans voodoo culture – where innocent people were hypnotized by sorcerers – into a recurring movie plot where reanimated corpses serve the undead.

Rear Admiral Ali S Khan

Rear Admiral Khan: Zombie Hunter

The former is not that much of a big deal – those zombies are just like Apple fanbois, which are harmless – but Khan insists that the latter is a cause for concern. "The rise of zombies in pop culture has given credence to the idea that a zombie apocalypse could happen," he says. "In such a scenario, zombies would take over entire countries, roaming city streets eating anything living that got in their way. The proliferation of this idea has led many people to wonder 'How do I prepare for a zombie apocalypse?'"

Admiral Khan was not at liberty to discuss the secret plans the US government has for nuking zombies as they attack cities, but he did want to make sure we all know what we can do to survive should an Ataxic Neurodegenerative Satiety Deficiency Syndrome break out in our neighborhoods and towns.

As it turns out, you pack a bag. Including a towel.

Specifically, that bag includes non-perishable food, medicines and a first aid kit, important ID documents, clothing and bedding, a utility knife, duct tape, a flashlight, soap, a change of clothes, and bedding of some sort (space age blankets fold up small). You will need a gallon of water a day, which is a bit hard to carry, but it sure beats drinking water contaminated with the bodily fluids of former friends and family members. You should also pick two meeting places, one close to home and one far away, to rendezvous after hacking your way through waves of the undead.

CDC Zombie Attacks

The other option to fighting zombies is to live off grid in Canada, far away from a potential outbreak, huddling by the radio with a flamethrower. Or just absorb the radiation and taste the solanum virus.

The only thing more annoying than zombies are teenagers, a plague of which Admiral Khan and the CDC do not have the resources to handle. None of us do, really. And let's not even think of the damage that the real zombies of Planet Earth – the Baby Boomers – are getting set to do as they retire and slurp the remaining flesh off the thin bones of the Western economies. ®

Seven Steps to Software Security

More from The Register

next story
NSA man: 'Tell me about your Turkish connections'
Spooks ask Dabbsy to suggest a nice hotel with pool
Russia sends SEX-CRAZED GECKOS to SPAAAAACE!
In space... no one can hear you're green...
Carlos: Slim your working week to just three days of toil
'Midas World' vision suggests you retire later, watch more tellie and buy more stuff
Yahoo! Japan! launches! service! for! the! dead!
If you're reading this email, I am no longer alive
Plucky Rockall podule man back on (proper) dry land
Bold, barmy Brit adventurer Nick Hancock escapes North Atlantic islet
Motorist 'thought car had caught fire' as Adele track came on stereo
'FIRE' caption on dashboard prompts dunderheaded hard shoulder halt
prev story

Whitepapers

Designing a Defense for Mobile Applications
Learn about the various considerations for defending mobile applications - from the application architecture itself to the myriad testing technologies.
Implementing global e-invoicing with guaranteed legal certainty
Explaining the role local tax compliance plays in successful supply chain management and e-business and how leading global brands are addressing this.
Top 8 considerations to enable and simplify mobility
In this whitepaper learn how to successfully add mobile capabilities simply and cost effectively.
Seven Steps to Software Security
Seven practical steps you can begin to take today to secure your applications and prevent the damages a successful cyber-attack can cause.
Boost IT visibility and business value
How building a great service catalog relieves pressure points and demonstrates the value of IT service management.