Feeds

US admiral reveals safety plan for Zombie Apocalypse

Pack your bags. Don't forget towel

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

5 things you didn’t know about cloud backup

The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have released a report on how to prepare for the zombie apocalypse.

In a blog post, Rear Admiral Ali S Khan, assistant surgeon general and director of the Office of Public Health Preparedness and Response, provides a brief history of the zombie and explains the dos and don'ts of coping with the phenomenon, which has morphed from its origins in Haiti and New Orleans voodoo culture – where innocent people were hypnotized by sorcerers – into a recurring movie plot where reanimated corpses serve the undead.

Rear Admiral Ali S Khan

Rear Admiral Khan: Zombie Hunter

The former is not that much of a big deal – those zombies are just like Apple fanbois, which are harmless – but Khan insists that the latter is a cause for concern. "The rise of zombies in pop culture has given credence to the idea that a zombie apocalypse could happen," he says. "In such a scenario, zombies would take over entire countries, roaming city streets eating anything living that got in their way. The proliferation of this idea has led many people to wonder 'How do I prepare for a zombie apocalypse?'"

Admiral Khan was not at liberty to discuss the secret plans the US government has for nuking zombies as they attack cities, but he did want to make sure we all know what we can do to survive should an Ataxic Neurodegenerative Satiety Deficiency Syndrome break out in our neighborhoods and towns.

As it turns out, you pack a bag. Including a towel.

Specifically, that bag includes non-perishable food, medicines and a first aid kit, important ID documents, clothing and bedding, a utility knife, duct tape, a flashlight, soap, a change of clothes, and bedding of some sort (space age blankets fold up small). You will need a gallon of water a day, which is a bit hard to carry, but it sure beats drinking water contaminated with the bodily fluids of former friends and family members. You should also pick two meeting places, one close to home and one far away, to rendezvous after hacking your way through waves of the undead.

CDC Zombie Attacks

The other option to fighting zombies is to live off grid in Canada, far away from a potential outbreak, huddling by the radio with a flamethrower. Or just absorb the radiation and taste the solanum virus.

The only thing more annoying than zombies are teenagers, a plague of which Admiral Khan and the CDC do not have the resources to handle. None of us do, really. And let's not even think of the damage that the real zombies of Planet Earth – the Baby Boomers – are getting set to do as they retire and slurp the remaining flesh off the thin bones of the Western economies. ®

Next gen security for virtualised datacentres

More from The Register

next story
Drunkards warned: If you can't walk in a straight line, don't shop online, you fool!
Put it away boys. Cover them up ladies. Your credit cards, we mean
Yes, but what are your plans if a DRAGON attacks?
Local UK gov outs most ridiculous FoI requests...
Cops baffled by riddle of CHICKEN who crossed ROAD
'Officers were unable to determine Chicken's intent'
Why your mum was WRONG about whiffy tattooed people
They're a future source of RENEWABLE ENERGY
Murder accused DIDN'T ask Siri 'how to hide my roommate'
US court hears of cached browser image - not actual request
Chomp that sausage: Brits just LOVE scoffing a Full Monty
Sales of traditional brekkie foods soar as hungry folk get their mitts greasy
Nuts to your poncey hipster coffees, I want a TESLA ELECTRO-CAFE
Examining the frothy disconnect in indie cafe culture
prev story

Whitepapers

Implementing global e-invoicing with guaranteed legal certainty
Explaining the role local tax compliance plays in successful supply chain management and e-business and how leading global brands are addressing this.
5 things you didn’t know about cloud backup
IT departments are embracing cloud backup, but there’s a lot you need to know before choosing a service provider. Learn all the critical things you need to know.
Why and how to choose the right cloud vendor
The benefits of cloud-based storage in your processes. Eliminate onsite, disk-based backup and archiving in favor of cloud-based data protection.
Top 8 considerations to enable and simplify mobility
In this whitepaper learn how to successfully add mobile capabilities simply and cost effectively.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?