Feeds

CATS to be saved by BLASPHEMERS after the RAPTURE

Godly? Book a moggy-rescue heathen ONLINE before 21 May!

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

In case you hadn't heard, Judgment Day is pencilled in for 21 May and any Christians among you who hadn't made provision for your pets' wellbeing after the Rapture had better pull your fingers out before you take your place at God's right hand and your poor moggy is left stuck here on Earth staring at an empty bowl.

Make no mistake, this is serious. Harold Camping, the 89-year-old founder of Family Radio, has spent years scouring the Bible for evidence of just when it's time for believers to pack their celestial suitcases. True, they had to unpack again back in September 2004 following Camping's first shot at naming the big day, but he assures that this time it is "absolutely going to happen without any question".

So, you're ascending to eternal glory and your cat's litter needs changing. It's an upsetting thought for any true follower of Christ, but help is at hand in the form of another creature absolutely guaranteed to be left behind by the heavenly mass exodus: the atheist.

Yes indeed, thank God for the animal-loving non-believer willing to take up the slack, such as those recruited by After The Rapture Pet Care:

According to the blurb, you pay a one-off fee of 10 bucks to register, and once you've been righteously raptured, a "Volunteer Pet Caretaker" moves in to retrieve your beloved pet.

Interestingly, while After The Rapture Pet Care admits Judgment Day will be a time of great wailing and gnashing of teeth for the majority of people left unraptured, it's pretty certain enough infrastructure will remain – including the vital Google servers – to ensure the pet database's survival.

This simple faith is touching, and it remains to be seen if the Great Satan of Mountain View's hardware does indeed continue to function after Brin and Page have been rewarded for their religious adherence to the "Don't be evil" motto with jobs running Heaven's massive Unrepentant Sinners Database™.

If you're unconvinced, however, that Google's servers are entirely Rapture-proof, then consider a contingency: Eternal Earth-Bound Pets.

You may find the $135.00 per pet rescue fee a tad steep, but it's actually a bit of a bargain if you live in Idaho, Montana, New Hampshire or Vermont, where experienced atheists will take charge of your stranded llama or camel.

They really are experienced, too, as the site's FAQs demonstrate. In response to the not unreasonable question "How do you ensure your representatives won't be Raptured?", comes the answer: "Actually, we don't ensure it, they do. Each of our representatives has stated to us in writing that they are atheists, do not believe in God/Jesus, and that they have blasphemed in accordance with Mark 3:29*, negating any chance of salvation." ®

* "But whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; he is guilty of an eternal sin."

Remote control for virtualized desktops

More from The Register

next story
Criticism of Uber's journo-Data Analytics plan is an Attack on DIGITAL FREEDOM
First they came for Emil – and I'm damn well SPEAKING OUT
'It is comforting to know where your data centres are.' UK.GOV does NOT
Plus: Anons are 'wannabes', KKK says, before being pwned
Google's whois results say it's a lousy smut searcher
Run whois google.com or whois microsoft.com. We dare you, you PIG◙◙◙◙ER
Holy vintage vehicles! Earliest known official Batmobile goes on sale
Riddle me this: are you prepared to pay US$180k?
'Open source just means big companies can steal your code.' O RLY?
Plus: Flame of the Week returns, for one night only!
NEWSFLASH: It's time to ditch dullard Facebook chums
Everything hot in tech, courtesy of avian anchor Regina Eggbert
Hey, you, PHONE-FACE! Kickstarter in-car mobe mount will EMBED your phone into your MUG
Stick it on the steering wheel and wait for the airbag to fire
prev story

Whitepapers

Driving business with continuous operational intelligence
Introducing an innovative approach offered by ExtraHop for producing continuous operational intelligence.
Why CIOs should rethink endpoint data protection in the age of mobility
Assessing trends in data protection, specifically with respect to mobile devices, BYOD, and remote employees.
Getting started with customer-focused identity management
Learn why identity is a fundamental requirement to digital growth, and how without it there is no way to identify and engage customers in a meaningful way.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
Simplify SSL certificate management across the enterprise
Simple steps to take control of SSL across the enterprise, and recommendations for a management platform for full visibility and single-point of control for these Certificates.