Feeds

CATS to be saved by BLASPHEMERS after the RAPTURE

Godly? Book a moggy-rescue heathen ONLINE before 21 May!

Gartner critical capabilities for enterprise endpoint backup

In case you hadn't heard, Judgment Day is pencilled in for 21 May and any Christians among you who hadn't made provision for your pets' wellbeing after the Rapture had better pull your fingers out before you take your place at God's right hand and your poor moggy is left stuck here on Earth staring at an empty bowl.

Make no mistake, this is serious. Harold Camping, the 89-year-old founder of Family Radio, has spent years scouring the Bible for evidence of just when it's time for believers to pack their celestial suitcases. True, they had to unpack again back in September 2004 following Camping's first shot at naming the big day, but he assures that this time it is "absolutely going to happen without any question".

So, you're ascending to eternal glory and your cat's litter needs changing. It's an upsetting thought for any true follower of Christ, but help is at hand in the form of another creature absolutely guaranteed to be left behind by the heavenly mass exodus: the atheist.

Yes indeed, thank God for the animal-loving non-believer willing to take up the slack, such as those recruited by After The Rapture Pet Care:

According to the blurb, you pay a one-off fee of 10 bucks to register, and once you've been righteously raptured, a "Volunteer Pet Caretaker" moves in to retrieve your beloved pet.

Interestingly, while After The Rapture Pet Care admits Judgment Day will be a time of great wailing and gnashing of teeth for the majority of people left unraptured, it's pretty certain enough infrastructure will remain – including the vital Google servers – to ensure the pet database's survival.

This simple faith is touching, and it remains to be seen if the Great Satan of Mountain View's hardware does indeed continue to function after Brin and Page have been rewarded for their religious adherence to the "Don't be evil" motto with jobs running Heaven's massive Unrepentant Sinners Database™.

If you're unconvinced, however, that Google's servers are entirely Rapture-proof, then consider a contingency: Eternal Earth-Bound Pets.

You may find the $135.00 per pet rescue fee a tad steep, but it's actually a bit of a bargain if you live in Idaho, Montana, New Hampshire or Vermont, where experienced atheists will take charge of your stranded llama or camel.

They really are experienced, too, as the site's FAQs demonstrate. In response to the not unreasonable question "How do you ensure your representatives won't be Raptured?", comes the answer: "Actually, we don't ensure it, they do. Each of our representatives has stated to us in writing that they are atheists, do not believe in God/Jesus, and that they have blasphemed in accordance with Mark 3:29*, negating any chance of salvation." ®

* "But whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; he is guilty of an eternal sin."

Next gen security for virtualised datacentres

More from The Register

next story
Cops baffled by riddle of CHICKEN who crossed ROAD
'Officers were unable to determine Chicken's intent'
Drunkards warned: If you can't walk in a straight line, don't shop online, you fool!
Put it away boys. Cover them up ladies. Your credit cards, we mean
Yes, but what are your plans if a DRAGON attacks?
Local UK gov outs most ridiculous FoI requests...
Murder accused DIDN'T ask Siri 'how to hide my roommate'
US court hears of cached browser image - not actual request
Why your mum was WRONG about whiffy tattooed people
They're a future source of RENEWABLE ENERGY
Chomp that sausage: Brits just LOVE scoffing a Full Monty
Sales of traditional brekkie foods soar as hungry folk get their mitts greasy
Nuts to your poncey hipster coffees, I want a TESLA ELECTRO-CAFE
Examining the frothy disconnect in indie cafe culture
Ex-Apple man Sam Sung - for it is he - sticks namebadge on eBay
Stump up via tat bazaar, do a good thing for ill kids
Check your Clungene, Irish women warned
Have a quick shufti, you may not be pregnant after all
prev story

Whitepapers

5 things you didn’t know about cloud backup
IT departments are embracing cloud backup, but there’s a lot you need to know before choosing a service provider. Learn all the critical things you need to know.
Implementing global e-invoicing with guaranteed legal certainty
Explaining the role local tax compliance plays in successful supply chain management and e-business and how leading global brands are addressing this.
Build a business case: developing custom apps
Learn how to maximize the value of custom applications by accelerating and simplifying their development.
Rethinking backup and recovery in the modern data center
Combining intelligence, operational analytics, and automation to enable efficient, data-driven IT organizations using the HP ABR approach.
Next gen security for virtualised datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.