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White House warns El Reg over kitten-killing content

Vulture Central hack runs for reinforced bunker complex

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

I fear this may be the last copy I ever file, following a chilling warning from the White House regarding stories I may or may not write next week, and which could have devastating consequences for the future of humanity.

Earlier today, I ill-advisedly posted a rather tasty flame from "cockhead@dickhead.com", pre-objecting to Rik Myslewski's piece on the Microsoft/Barnes & Noble scandal.

I concluded by offering readers the chance to pre-protest any output to spurt from the Iberian bureau keyboard from next Monday. This was evidently a bad idea, as this email from "president@whitehouse.gov" demonstrates:

Dear Lester,

I feel that what you may or may not write about next week is too controversial even for El Reg. It may cause irreparable harm to the security of the US, other countries and allies. All those young men might die because of what you write. The potential damages to the entertainment industry are truly unlimited. Counterfeit music, movies and musical notes can cause irreparable harm and may lead to increase in unemployment, poverty and kittens' deaths. We need to make the world a safer, better place. We know where you live. And if we're wrong, we'll find out sooner or later.

Yours, Barack.

Well, there's no way I'm risking an encounter with Obama's terrifying black chopper – a beast so stealthy it can creep up on an al Qaeda fanatic who's using a nanolaser to inscribe verses from the Koran on a grain of ricin and doesn't even realise he's got a huge weapon of US vengeance hovering over his head until it disgorges a huge quantity of special ops seamen.

Accordingly, I'm off to my own reinforced bunker complex until the dust settles. Readers concerned for my welfare should rest assured that I'm taking the missus with me to act as a human shield should Navy SEALs penetrate the defensive cordon and catch me with my pants down. Adios. ®

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