Feeds

White House warns El Reg over kitten-killing content

Vulture Central hack runs for reinforced bunker complex

Intelligent flash storage arrays

I fear this may be the last copy I ever file, following a chilling warning from the White House regarding stories I may or may not write next week, and which could have devastating consequences for the future of humanity.

Earlier today, I ill-advisedly posted a rather tasty flame from "cockhead@dickhead.com", pre-objecting to Rik Myslewski's piece on the Microsoft/Barnes & Noble scandal.

I concluded by offering readers the chance to pre-protest any output to spurt from the Iberian bureau keyboard from next Monday. This was evidently a bad idea, as this email from "president@whitehouse.gov" demonstrates:

Dear Lester,

I feel that what you may or may not write about next week is too controversial even for El Reg. It may cause irreparable harm to the security of the US, other countries and allies. All those young men might die because of what you write. The potential damages to the entertainment industry are truly unlimited. Counterfeit music, movies and musical notes can cause irreparable harm and may lead to increase in unemployment, poverty and kittens' deaths. We need to make the world a safer, better place. We know where you live. And if we're wrong, we'll find out sooner or later.

Yours, Barack.

Well, there's no way I'm risking an encounter with Obama's terrifying black chopper – a beast so stealthy it can creep up on an al Qaeda fanatic who's using a nanolaser to inscribe verses from the Koran on a grain of ricin and doesn't even realise he's got a huge weapon of US vengeance hovering over his head until it disgorges a huge quantity of special ops seamen.

Accordingly, I'm off to my own reinforced bunker complex until the dust settles. Readers concerned for my welfare should rest assured that I'm taking the missus with me to act as a human shield should Navy SEALs penetrate the defensive cordon and catch me with my pants down. Adios. ®

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

More from The Register

next story
Boffins who stare at goats: I do believe they’re SHRINKING
Alpine chamois being squashed by global warming
Not a loyal follower of @BritishMonarchy? You missed The QUEEN*'s first Tweet
Her Maj opens 'Information Age' at the Science Museum
Space exploration is just so lame. NEW APPS are mankind's future
We feel obliged to point out the headline statement is total, utter cobblers
Down-under record: Australian gets $140k for pussy
'Tiffany' closes deal - 'it's more common to offer your wife', says agent
Internet finally ready to replace answering machine cassette tape
It's a simple message and I'm leaving out the whistles and bells
FedEx helps deliver THOUSANDS of spam messages DIRECT to its Blighty customers
Don't worry Wilson, I'll do all the paddling. You just hang on
The iPAD launch BEFORE it happened: SPECULATIVE GUFF ahead of actual event
Nerve-shattering run-up to the pre-planned known event
Win a year’s supply of chocolate (no tech knowledge required)
Over £200 worth of the good stuff up for grabs
STONER SHEEP get the MUNCHIES after feasting on £4k worth of cannabis plants
Baaaaaa! Fanny's Farm's woolly flock is high, maaaaaan
Adorkable overshare of words like photobomb in this year's dictionaries
And hipsters are finally defined as self-loathing. Sort of
prev story

Whitepapers

Why cloud backup?
Combining the latest advancements in disk-based backup with secure, integrated, cloud technologies offer organizations fast and assured recovery of their critical enterprise data.
A strategic approach to identity relationship management
ForgeRock commissioned Forrester to evaluate companies’ IAM practices and requirements when it comes to customer-facing scenarios versus employee-facing ones.
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.
Reg Reader Research: SaaS based Email and Office Productivity Tools
Read this Reg reader report which provides advice and guidance for SMBs towards the use of SaaS based email and Office productivity tools.
New hybrid storage solutions
Tackling data challenges through emerging hybrid storage solutions that enable optimum database performance whilst managing costs and increasingly large data stores.