Feeds
80%
W**k-o-Meter

W**k-O-Meter

Onan the Barbarian

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

NSFW App of the Week If you're going to do something, do it properly. A fine creed, and just as applicable to playing the pink oboe as any other worthwhile hobby.

Designed not only to tell you how well you are doing it and what effect it’s having, but also to encourage the development of your technique and make it a more pleasurable experience, this is the perfect app for anyone who enjoys making love to that most special of people - himself.

W**k-o-Meter  W**k-o-Meter

Select your style (left) then keep to the beat

Strap your ‘droid to your favoured arm - surgical tape will do just fine - and do as Onan did. Afterward, the app tells you your vital five knuckle shuffle stats, including the total time taken, and the maximum and average forces exerted in either Gravities or Newtons.

Goodness! The Earth really did move...

Other and arguably more useful data - your cadence in beats-per-minute or Hertz, calories burnt, and the total combined length of your strokes - in metres or yards - is also shown.

The latter will come in handy - as it were - if you have set yourself a target of say, reaching the moon - or any other celestial body - and back. Well, it’s good to have an ambition.

W**k-o-Meter  W**k-o-Meter

Rate your ranking

To help you get in the groove, the app will play one of 15 sounds ranging from a rather alluring feminine ecstatic pant to a Star Trek alarm, or a round of rapturous applause.

Intelligent flash storage arrays

Next page: Hey diddle-diddle

More from The Register

next story
Chipmaker FTDI bricking counterfeit kit
USB-serial imitators whacked by driver update
Xperia Z3: Crikey, Sony – ANOTHER flagship phondleslab?
The Fourth Amendment... and it IS better
DOUBLE BONK: Testy fanbois catch Apple Pay picking pockets
Users wail as tapcash transactions are duplicated
Microsoft to enter the STRUGGLE of the HUMAN WRIST
It's not just a thumb war, it's total digit war
Google Glassholes are UNDATEABLE – HP exec
You need an emotional connection, says touchy-feely MD... We can do that
prev story

Whitepapers

Choosing cloud Backup services
Demystify how you can address your data protection needs in your small- to medium-sized business and select the best online backup service to meet your needs.
Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.
Reg Reader Research: SaaS based Email and Office Productivity Tools
Read this Reg reader report which provides advice and guidance for SMBs towards the use of SaaS based email and Office productivity tools.
Storage capacity and performance optimization at Mizuno USA
Mizuno USA turn to Tegile storage technology to solve both their SAN and backup issues.