Feeds
80%
W**k-o-Meter

W**k-O-Meter

Onan the Barbarian

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Top 5 reasons to deploy VMware with Tegile

NSFW App of the Week If you're going to do something, do it properly. A fine creed, and just as applicable to playing the pink oboe as any other worthwhile hobby.

Designed not only to tell you how well you are doing it and what effect it’s having, but also to encourage the development of your technique and make it a more pleasurable experience, this is the perfect app for anyone who enjoys making love to that most special of people - himself.

W**k-o-Meter  W**k-o-Meter

Select your style (left) then keep to the beat

Strap your ‘droid to your favoured arm - surgical tape will do just fine - and do as Onan did. Afterward, the app tells you your vital five knuckle shuffle stats, including the total time taken, and the maximum and average forces exerted in either Gravities or Newtons.

Goodness! The Earth really did move...

Other and arguably more useful data - your cadence in beats-per-minute or Hertz, calories burnt, and the total combined length of your strokes - in metres or yards - is also shown.

The latter will come in handy - as it were - if you have set yourself a target of say, reaching the moon - or any other celestial body - and back. Well, it’s good to have an ambition.

W**k-o-Meter  W**k-o-Meter

Rate your ranking

To help you get in the groove, the app will play one of 15 sounds ranging from a rather alluring feminine ecstatic pant to a Star Trek alarm, or a round of rapturous applause.

Top 5 reasons to deploy VMware with Tegile

Next page: Hey diddle-diddle

More from The Register

next story
Oi, Tim Cook. Apple Watch. I DARE you to tell me, IN PERSON, that it's secure
State attorney demands Apple CEO bows the knee to him
Phones 4u website DIES as wounded mobe retailer struggles to stay above water
Founder blames 'ruthless network partners' for implosion
Hey, Mac fanbois. HGST wants you drooling over its HUGE desktop RACK
What vast digital media repository could possibly need 64 TERABYTES?
Soundbites: News in brief from the Wi-Fi audiophile files
DTS and Sonos sing out but not off the same hymnsheet
In a spin: Samsung accuses LG exec of washing machine SABOTAGE
Rival electronic giant tries to iron out allegations
Your chance to WIN the WORLD'S ONLY HANDHELD ZX SPECTRUM
Reg staff not allowed to enter, god dammit
prev story

Whitepapers

Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops
Balancing user privacy and privileged access, in accordance with compliance frameworks and legislation. Evaluating any potential remote control choice.
Intelligent flash storage arrays
Tegile Intelligent Storage Arrays with IntelliFlash helps IT boost storage utilization and effciency while delivering unmatched storage savings and performance.
WIN a very cool portable ZX Spectrum
Win a one-off portable Spectrum built by legendary hardware hacker Ben Heck
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
Beginner's guide to SSL certificates
De-mystify the technology involved and give you the information you need to make the best decision when considering your online security options.