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W**k-o-Meter

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Onan the Barbarian

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Security for virtualized datacentres

NSFW App of the Week If you're going to do something, do it properly. A fine creed, and just as applicable to playing the pink oboe as any other worthwhile hobby.

Designed not only to tell you how well you are doing it and what effect it’s having, but also to encourage the development of your technique and make it a more pleasurable experience, this is the perfect app for anyone who enjoys making love to that most special of people - himself.

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Select your style (left) then keep to the beat

Strap your ‘droid to your favoured arm - surgical tape will do just fine - and do as Onan did. Afterward, the app tells you your vital five knuckle shuffle stats, including the total time taken, and the maximum and average forces exerted in either Gravities or Newtons.

Goodness! The Earth really did move...

Other and arguably more useful data - your cadence in beats-per-minute or Hertz, calories burnt, and the total combined length of your strokes - in metres or yards - is also shown.

The latter will come in handy - as it were - if you have set yourself a target of say, reaching the moon - or any other celestial body - and back. Well, it’s good to have an ambition.

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To help you get in the groove, the app will play one of 15 sounds ranging from a rather alluring feminine ecstatic pant to a Star Trek alarm, or a round of rapturous applause.

Top 5 reasons to deploy VMware with Tegile

Next page: Hey diddle-diddle

Whitepapers

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A single remote control platform for user support is be key to providing an efficient helpdesk. Retain full control over the way in which screen and keystroke data is transmitted.
Intelligent flash storage arrays
Tegile Intelligent Storage Arrays with IntelliFlash helps IT boost storage utilization and effciency while delivering unmatched storage savings and performance.
Beginner's guide to SSL certificates
De-mystify the technology involved and give you the information you need to make the best decision when considering your online security options.
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.
Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops
Balancing user privacy and privileged access, in accordance with compliance frameworks and legislation. Evaluating any potential remote control choice.