Feeds

Marshall Islands prez 'legalises cocaine'

Government surprised by 'CBS' nose Ajax announcement

Combat fraud and increase customer satisfaction

The government of the Marshall Islands has expressed its surprise that president Jurelang Zedkaia has issued an executive order legalising cocaine and introducing "a no-visa unrestricted entry programme for foreign nationals of any country".

The bold initiative was apparently provoked by the need to raise cash to defend the islands against rising seas which could see the Pacific archipelago swallowed by 2040.

The "visibly emotional" Marshallese prez lamented the destruction of 1,000 years of civilisation which began when the white man first set foot on the Marshall Islands' sun-kissed beaches.

He declared to the press: "Then the Westerners came. First it was the atomic bombs, and then now their irresponsible emissions are drowning our islands. We are tired of being raped and victimised. As a sovereign nation, I declare the right of this country to legalise any substance it wishes."

When pressed as to where he'd be obtaining the Bolivian marching powder, Zedkaia declined to name his source, but said it'd be "the real thing, uncut and pure, the best you can get".

That's the story according to "CBS Breaking News"...

The headline of the CBS Breaking News piece on the Marshall Islands

...but the islands' government insists:

"The attention of the Government of the Republic of the Marshall Islands has been drawn to a bizarre news item published in cbsbreakingnews.com, which alleged that the country has legalised cocaine and liberalised immigration regulations. We wish to respond to this publication by stating in very clear and unequivocal terms that it is totally false, baseless and irresponsible."

It continues: "The Republic of the Marshall Islands, as a responsible member of the international community, has not legalised cocaine or any hard drug and does not intend to ever do so."

Regarding an immigration free-for-all, it adds: "The Government of the Republic of the Marshall Islands will not, and has no intention ever, to liberalise these laws but will continue to ensure that only law-abiding immigrants with well-defined objectives are allowed into our beautiful and serene country."

It appears libel action is now likely against CBS Breaking News, which is not the much-loved US news outfit*, but rather a site "run by some faceless individuals whom the Government intends to unearth legally and compel, through the judicial process, to account for their libelous acts and yellow journalism". ®

Bootnote

* A CBS Breaking News disclaimer delightfully clarifies that it's "not affiliated with the Copenhagen Business School of Denmark, nor the Canterbury Building Society of New Zealand, nor CBS Corp of the USA".

3 Big data security analytics techniques

More from The Register

next story
Forget the beach 'n' boardwalk, check out the Santa Cruz STEVE JOBS FOUNTAIN
Reg reader snaps shot of touching tribute to Apple icon
Oz bank in comedy Heartbleed blog FAIL
Bank: 'We are now safely patched.' Customers: 'You were using OpenSSL?'
Happy 40th Playmobil: Reg looks back at small, rude world of our favourite tiny toys
Little men straddle LOHAN, attend tiny G20 Summit... ah, sweet memories...
Spanish village called 'Kill the Jews' mulls rebranding exercise
Not exactly attractive to the Israeli tourist demographic
Lego is the TOOL OF SATAN, thunders Polish priest
New minifigs like Monster Fighters are turning kids to the dark side
Dark SITH LORD 'Darth Vader' joins battle to rule, er, Ukraine
Only I can 'make an empire out of a republic' intones presidential candidate
Chinese company counters pollution by importing fresh air
Citizens line up for bags of that sweet, sweet mountain air
Google asks April Fools: Want a job? Be our 'Pokemon Master'
Mountain View is prankin' like it's 1999...
prev story

Whitepapers

Designing a defence for mobile apps
In this whitepaper learn the various considerations for defending mobile applications; from the mobile application architecture itself to the myriad testing technologies needed to properly assess mobile applications risk.
3 Big data security analytics techniques
Applying these Big Data security analytics techniques can help you make your business safer by detecting attacks early, before significant damage is done.
Five 3D headsets to be won!
We were so impressed by the Durovis Dive headset we’ve asked the company to give some away to Reg readers.
The benefits of software based PBX
Why you should break free from your proprietary PBX and how to leverage your existing server hardware.
Securing web applications made simple and scalable
In this whitepaper learn how automated security testing can provide a simple and scalable way to protect your web applications.