Phantom Menace to be released in 3D next Feb
You'll feel like Jar Jar's spittle is hitting your face
Reviled Star Wars prequel Episode I: The Phantom Menace, reproduced in 3D for some reason, now has an official release date.
Lucasfilm says that the flick - loathed for its introduction of flobber-gobbed artistic atrocity Jar Jar Binks and many other crimes against the treasured memories of the 1970s and 80s - will be out in migraine-mungous three-dimensional form on 10 February next year.
The company adds:
Set against the thrilling and exotic backdrop of a "galaxy far, far away," Star Wars is perfectly suited to the immersive 3D theatrical experience, and Episode I delivers some of the Saga's most stunning and spectacular sequences - from the Naboo invasion to the Tatooine Podraces to the climactic lightsaber battle between Darth Maul and the Jedi.
Supervised by Industrial Light & Magic, the meticulous conversion is being done with utmost respect for the source material, and with a keen eye for both technological considerations and artistic intentions.
Wildly speculative rumour originating here at Vulture Central suggests that there may be a bonus flash-forward scene set at the time of Return of the Jedi, cutting ahead from the Episode I sequences in which the infant Anakin Skywalker, backed by nothing more than a few small space fighters, destroys a huge and hideously beweaponed battle station to win the climactic scrap for the goodies.
In the rumoured flash-forward, we cut to a scene many years later at the time of Episode VI in which the Emperor is exhorting Darth Vader to get out to the second Death Star, then being assembled in orbit above the forest moon of Endor, and kick some arse among the construction team.
"My master," replies Vader. "This thing with the enormous battle stations ... I'm beginning to have some doubts. Even back when I was just a kid and hadn't turned to the dark side, I blew one up with nothing more than a few fighters and our lot got beat.
"Then later on we built the first Death Star, and a few poxy little fighters blew it up and our side got beat again.
"Now we're building yet another of these damn things, and I have to tell you, my master, I've got a nasty feeling some little space fighters are just going to blow it up one more time and we're going to get creamed all over again.
"Oh all right then, b*gger it, I'll go and get the lads to double their efforts. But don't say I didn't warn you." ®
Or you could save the money and just watch the definitive, spot-on rollicking Harry S Plinkett review of the notorious cinematic disaster, thereafter to return to the Reg armed with a new perspective on filmmaking and a slew of new catchphrases. It's true, Palpatine is behind it all (spoilers!).