Florida lag packs prison survival kit up jacksie
Deputies extract pills, cig, matches, syringe, paperwork
A Florida lag was last week relieved of the substantial prison surival kit he attempted to smuggle into Sarasota County jail in the time-honoured manner - packed in a condom up his jacksie.
On Friday, homeless Neil Lansing, 33, was hauled before a judge on an unspecified charge, and promptly dispatched to prison. There, "corrections deputies conducting a routine search in a cellblock found part of a condom sticking out of his rectum", the local Herald-Tribune explains.
Lansing's determination to cram as much as possible where the sun don't shine was clearly his undoing, since we doubt even the most experienced lag's rectum can successfully keep "17 round blue pills*, one cigarette, six matches, one flint, one empty syringe with an eraser over the needle, one lip balm container, one additional unused condom, a receipt from CVS pharmacy and a paper coupon" hidden from screws' experienced eyes.
Lansing now faces charges of possession of "a drug and a tobacco product" inside the jail. ®
*Not Viagra, we assume, since they're lozenge-shaped. Evidently, Lansing wasn't planning on doing some really hard time. What?
Did it contain a pack of fudge?
is a metric Firkin is a Mirkin ?
New Unit of Cubic Capacity
To add to the other measures mentioned elsewhere, you now need to introduce a measure called the Fully Dilated Convict Rectum (FDCR). Perhaps this could expressed in Elephants, such as 1 FDCR = 17 micro Elephants or 1 Elephant = 58.8 Kilo FDCRs. Now express it in Firkins.