Feeds

BOFH: Look out!

In BOFH office, squeaky wheel greases you

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

High performance access to file storage

Episode 17

“So what do the following have in common?” the Boss seethes “My desk drawer, the complaints box at reception and the boot of the deputy CEO’s car?”

“They’re all places you can take a dump?” the PFY asks, pouring a little petrol on the flames of the Boss’ annoyance.

“WHAT!?”

“You’ll have to forgive my assistant” I interject quickly “He often uses the word ‘can’ when he really means ‘should’.”

What the hell, in for a penny and all that...

“No!” the Boss snaps back “They’re all places which have been broken into in the last couple of weeks.”

“To take a dump?” the PFY asks

“No, to steal things!”

“What would be in any of those that someone would want to steal?”

“There’s a lot of valuable things in my office for a start!” the Boss snaps back.

“You mean like the bit of paper under your keyboard with your password and safe combination on it?”

“You know my safe combination?!?!” the Boss gasps

“Even the CLEANER knows your safe combination,” I reply “Besides, there’s nothing valuable in your drawer or your safe.”

“And how do you know that?”

“BECAUSE THE CLEANER KNOWS YOUR SAFE COMBINATION!”

“So you’re saying the cleaner broke into those places?” the Boss asks, detective work not being his strong suit

“No I’m saying the cleaner wouldn’t need to break into those places because he’s the person who shuts your safe and locks your drawer when you leave them open.” I reply

“And knows where the key’s kept” the PFY adds

The problem with talking to middle management occurs when they lose focus, often happening when you’re talking about password complexity policy and why someone’s initials don’t count as complex – or when you’re describing the smtp protocol and how it’s not really designed to send that DVD you just ripped to your friend’s Yahoo account.

And so it is that the boss has timed out of the conversation. Before he can switch to hibernate, I draw him back into the conversation by mentioning security robots once more. Nothing drags a bloke back to the light quicker than 1 part gadget mixed with 2 parts potential danger.

“I thought they were all broken.”

“They are” the PFY says “and fraught with bugs. What we’re suggesting is that we build our own security robots – to make sure we record whoever’s breaking into things.”

“They can’t have weapons!” the Boss cautions

“No weapons needed” I say “All we really want is a camera and the ability to move around.”

“No lifts or stairwells!” the Boss snaps again, thinking of the recent past

“Fine. We could make robots that simply stay on a floor and observe.”

“I’m not going to spend a lot of money!” he cautions

“And why would you?” I ask, making a sweeping gesture into the room “When we have all the raw materials on hand!”

“How?”

“Oh, just parts from some servers, laptops, printers – plus the odd vending machine – etc. In fact we have three of them up and running in the building already”

“Where?” the Boss asks

“Well the first one we activated a few minutes ago” I reply “– the vending machine on the Balcony of level 6. It works like a vending machine but is also a completely mobile surveillance device. Has a 12 sector movement detector along with a wireless lan connection for voice and video plus inbuilt facial recognition. It can transmit a suspect’s movements while monitoring their head movements as well. The moment it detects someone looking at it, it becomes a static vending machine again”

“You know, like the statues on Doctor Who.” the PFY adds.

“I... And this is up and running now?” the Boss gasps

High performance access to file storage

More from The Register

next story
This time it's 'Personal': new Office 365 sub covers just two devices
Redmond also brings Office into Google's back yard
European Court of Justice rips up Data Retention Directive
Rules 'interfering' measure to be 'invalid'
Dropbox defends fantastically badly timed Condoleezza Rice appointment
'Nothing is going to change with Dr. Rice's appointment,' file sharer promises
Bored with trading oil and gold? Why not flog some CLOUD servers?
Chicago Mercantile Exchange plans cloud spot exchange
Just what could be inside Dropbox's new 'Home For Life'?
Biz apps, messaging, photos, email, more storage – sorry, did you think there would be cake?
IT bods: How long does it take YOU to train up on new tech?
I'll leave my arrays to do the hard work, if you don't mind
Amazon reveals its Google-killing 'R3' server instances
A mega-memory instance that never forgets
prev story

Whitepapers

Securing web applications made simple and scalable
In this whitepaper learn how automated security testing can provide a simple and scalable way to protect your web applications.
Five 3D headsets to be won!
We were so impressed by the Durovis Dive headset we’ve asked the company to give some away to Reg readers.
HP ArcSight ESM solution helps Finansbank
Based on their experience using HP ArcSight Enterprise Security Manager for IT security operations, Finansbank moved to HP ArcSight ESM for fraud management.
The benefits of software based PBX
Why you should break free from your proprietary PBX and how to leverage your existing server hardware.
Mobile application security study
Download this report to see the alarming realities regarding the sheer number of applications vulnerable to attack, as well as the most common and easily addressable vulnerability errors.