iPad apps: the 10 smartest and 10 stupidest
From the sublime to the 'WTF?'
Albert Einstein was quoted as having said: "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe." And he lived before the advent of the App Store.
Listing even a fraction of the doltishness that pollutes the App Store would crash Vulture Central's servers, but here are a few you can peruse. While you do, notice one aspect of their marketing blurbs: the indulgent overuse of the exclamation point.
These folks might be stupid, but they're certainly excited about it.
- 1,001+ Sex Facts - sex-fact collection (99¢; free "lite" version available)
"Sex is one of life's pleasures and it is practiced by most people at least once in their lifetime."
- AAA Mullets! - photo gallery ($2.99)
"AAA Mullets! displays a slideshow of the most stunning and photogenic mullets in their natural habitat."
- Adventure Sex Positions Game - Limousine Edition - sex-positions collection (99¢)
"A big limo in motion moving through the city... With both of you inside... Lot of positions... Great music... A very entertaining adult game! Play it tonight!"
As one reviewer notes, ASPG-LE was "apparently written by someone who has never had sex"
- AngryCat - The Angry Cat Simulator - cat simulator (99¢; free "lite" version available)
"Nonscientific studies have shown that 94.3% of all people are completely unprepared for an angry cat incident. For that reason, we created AngryCat - the Angry Cat Simulator."
- Are You Hot or Not? HD - attractiveness prank app (99¢)
"The app pretends to scan and analyze their face. Then it tells them if they're HOT or NOT. The fun part? Your friends will always receive an ugly result, and you will always receive a hot result (because you know where the hidden button is)."
- DIY Popcorn - popcorn-popping simulator (99¢)
"DIY Popcorn - Make your own popcorn the old fashioned way, with an authentic home-made experience! Tilt the pan and watch the corn move, just like the real thing!"
- Emergency Lights for iPad - screen-flasher and siren-player (99¢)
"Simulates the flashing lights with siren sound report. With Emergency Lights, you can use your iPad to simulate an emergency vehicle! Attention: Do not use in real life or for real life emergencies."
Emergency Lights flashes your display red! Or blue! Plays a siren! That's all! Really!
- Fart Studio - Revolutionary New Farting Surface! - fart generator (99¢)
"Like em juicy? You got it! Cheek flutter? Yep. Long? Short? Loud? Squeaker? You artfully control the outcome of each and every fart. Farting is now officially an art."
- Find Your Fanny - cartoon-butt collection (99¢)
"Turn on the slide-show and display the fannies on your nightstand, or flick through the pages manually. Click each fanny and see what happens! Enjoy them all!"
- I love you... - minimalist affection indicator (99¢)
"Install this app, input your names and the ipad/iPhone owner will know that you will always love him/her... Famous comment from one of our male users: 'It's cheaper than flowers!'"
- Justin Bieber Love Test HD - teen heartthrob prank app (99¢)
"The scanner analyzes your friends fingerprint and tells them if they're compatible with Justin Bieber. The fun part? The scanner always gives them a not compatible result, and will always give you a love match result (because you know where the secret button is - shhh)."
- Justin Bieber Pop Quiz - teen heartthrob trivia quiz (99¢)
"Think you know everything about Justin Bieber? Think again! It's time to take the test and see if you are the ultimate Justin Bieber fan. Good Luck."
- King Size Organic Farts - recorded-fart collection (99¢)
"A 100% Organic Fart Application! This app uses 50 real, human, actual farts (no fakes or simulated sounds)."
- Mice in Your Pocket - mouse-squeak collection (99¢)
"Enjoy teasing your cat or loved one with this terrific soundboard. With 10 sounds your sure to scary or amuse people with the sounds of mice. Now you will truly have a mouse in your pocket."
- MyRock HD - pet-rock simulator (99¢)
"With this amazing application you can have all the fun of a dog, without the poop, hair, slobber, or anything else people hate about dogs. This app includes a rock for you to adopt."
- Pedicure On My Toes - pedicure simulator (99¢)
"Pedicure on my toes for the iPad allows you to use your photos and give your feet a pedicure! Virtually of course!"
- Pocket Girl - Interactive Video Girlfriend - girlfriend simulator ($1.99)
"Your fun friendly Girlfriend, always at your side to pick you up when you are feeling down. No Talking! No Shopping! No Complaining! Just there for you!"
- Smoochie - minimalist text display (99¢)
"Express yourself! A silent message, a conversation stopper, a note to self. Rude, sweet or funny. The choice is yours."
- Strip Poker - The Essential Handbook - sexist how-to book ($4.99)
"If you want to see more of your friends, here’s your chance. Basic rules, hints and tips and most important, how to get people to join in, then how to get them where you want them – butt naked – while losing nothing more yourself than a pair of socks."
- Vegetables Photograph Collection for iPad - photo collection (99¢; 9-photo "lite" version is free)
"This application is a photo of vegetables in Japan. Please enjoy a cute vegetable on the iPhone. You should also become a love you do not like green peppers. If you're going to enjoy you, I am happy."
Perhaps Vegetables Photograph Collection speaks to a different culture. Perhaps it's just stupid
- Yelling In Your Face - insult generator (99¢)
"Warning.... May not be appropriate.... well, anywhere. YELLING IN YOUR FACE is a hysterical app that makes you laugh. It let's you get your frustrations out and can speak your mind for you."
As Porky Pig was wont to say: "Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-That's all, folks!" But, as Steve Jobs is wont to say: "One more thing..." Seeing as how there are over 40,000 iPad-specific apps in the App Store, I assume — well, I'm positive, actually — that I missed some top smarties and stupidities. Many, many stupidities. ®