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Obama consults Steve Jobs on making America great again

Draconian anti-flatulence laws expected

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

Barack Obama called on Steve Jobs yesterday to discuss the challenges facing the US economy.

According to the AP, Obama's wish list included solutions to boosting America's competitiveness and crumbling education system. Energy independence and job creation were also on the agenda. No details have emerged on what pearls of wisdom were bestowed on the individual who will henceforth be known as the second most powerful man on the planet.

But we can imagine Jobs told him how the App store approval model could be harnessed to cut through the legislative log jam. While Apple's in-house app approvers are no less capricious and obtuse in their pronouncements than Congress, they would probably be a lot cheaper and more efficient.

That way, perhaps, budgets and stimulus measures could be enacted much more quickly, as long as they don't feature nudity or flatulence - common speed bumps in the existing system.

Arguably the US would even get more balanced laws - with anyone able to draft a law and subject it to the Cupertino commissars. Lobby groups and corporations would lose their stranglehold on the process.

As for education, iTunes U would certainly ensure that all of America's youth gets access to the top minds in the country. That way kids could more efficiently get wasted and engage in incontinent sexual behaviour without leaving their home towns, thereby saving on accommodation costs and evening out property prices across the nation.

As for restoring the competitiveness of the United States? Well, Apple already depends on Chinese workers to build most of its kit. Perhaps Obama can look at shifting key US government technology production over there as well - missiles, nukes, and the like. It's entirely likely the Chinese already have a pretty good idea of the blueprints anyway, so the US taxpayer might as well get the full benefit by getting the stuff built there as well.

That just leaves energy independence. We're sure there's some kind of skunkworks project down Infinite Loop that can take care of this. Presumably the biggest challenge is how to squeeze a nuke plant into a white plastic box with a single button.

When it comes down to it, what Obama - and America - really wants is advice on restoring US economic and political hegemony and its image as a shining beacon of democracy. Jobs might be able to help him on the first two. The third? Maybe not so much. ®

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