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Famous fruitbrand fondle-slabbery firm Apple is moving to further bolster family values and hierarchical, authoritarian control - not to mention other rightwing American values such as abstinence from youthful or otherwise unapproved sexy sexuality - by the use of a traditional instrument of The Man's dominance: the US Patent and Trademark Office.

Apple's dislike of porn and other digital degeneracy or deviance was well known to users of its iOS fondleslabs - who must struggle through this vale of tears that we call life sustained only by primitive browser-based still-imagery smut or (for the more intellectual ones) racy textual short stories or novelettes featuring the improbable antics of pool cleaners, pizza delivery operatives, implausibly energetic and lustful homemakers etc. Another possibility, of course, would be for sauce-hungry users to exchange variously formatted filthgrams - often dubbed "sexts" when referring to SMS rudeness among youths - using their stroker devices' messaging capabilities.

The patent says:

In some embodiments, a message will be blocked (incoming or outgoing) if the message includes forbidden content. In other embodiments, the objectionable content is removed from the message prior to transmission or as part of the receiving process. The content of such a message is controlled by filtering the message based on defined criteria. The criteria may be defined according to a parental control application.

Thus it is that the iOS fondle slab - be it of the larger Old Testament stone tablet sized variety, or the handier pocketable types - will surely become the choice of the stern and God-fearing parent when selecting a wholesome digital tool to place in the hands of their offspring. Not only could racy invitations to steamy jiggery-pokery or unsolicited salacious commentary on a youngster's physical attributes be banned: but other things too. Naughty words or phrases such as "evolution" or "Darwin" or "Windows Phone 7" could also result in a message being exorcised.

Surely there's irony here for Bible-fancying readers in the sight of Apple Computer, whose brand is none other than a pomaceous fruit with a tell-tale bite taken from it - just such a one as Eve might have left behind her in the Garden of Eden - seeking to prevent the pure and innocent acquiring sinful and forbidden knowledge by by enhancing the authority of the Father* in this way.

On the other hand it's only a bloody patent for god's sake. ®

*Or mother of course. Or differently-oriented familial leadership hierarchy of any type. Presumably. ®

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