Feeds

Once-in-a-lifetime gag tops Fringe quip list

Tim Vine secures best joke crown

Providing a secure and efficient Helpdesk

Dave TV has honoured Tim Vine with its Joke of the Fringe award - the annual celebration of the Best of Edinburgh quippery.

"Pun punditt" Vine beat off some stiff opposition with: ''I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.''

Eight comedy critics sat through "60 performances, totalling 3,600 minutes of comedy material", and selected 24 gags to go forward to a public vote. Here are the top ten which tickled the ribs of the hoi polloi:

  1. Tim Vine: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."
  2. David Gibson (as Ray Green): "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."
  3. Emo Philips: "I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them."
  4. Jack Whitehall: "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought' - I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."
  5. Gary Delaney: "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."
  6. John Bishop: "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."
  7. Bo Burnham: "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."
  8. Gary Delaney: "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."
  9. Robert White: "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates - empty."
  10. Gareth Richards: "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub."

Tim VineA chuffed Vine (pictured) said of the award: "I'm going to celebrate by going to Sooty's barbecue and having a sweepsteak."

One man who won't be enjoying a sweepsteak is last year's winner Dan Antopolski. Despite impressing in 2009 with "Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?", this time around he found himself on the worst joke roster with: "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."

Also named and shamed were Sara Pascoe ("Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side.") and Emo Phillips ("I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.")

The Beeb has more here. ®

Security for virtualized datacentres

More from The Register

next story
Are you a fat boy? Get to university NOW, you PENNILESS SLACKER
Rotund types paid nearly 20% less than people who didn't eat all the pies
Emma Watson should SHUT UP, all this abuse is HER OWN FAULT
... said an anon coward who we really wish hadn't posted on our website
Japan develops robot CHEERLEADERS which RIDE on BALLS
'Will put smiles on faces worldwide', predicts corporate PR chief
Bruges Booze tubes to pump LOVELY BEER underneath city
Belgian booze pumped from underground
Oz carrier Tiger Air takes terror alerts to new heights
Don't doodle, it might cost you your flight
Amazon: Wish in one hand, Twit in the other – see which one fills first
#AmazonWishList A year's supply of Arran scotch, ta
Let it go, Steve: Ballmer bans iPads from his LA Clippers b-ball team
Can you imagine the scene? 'Hey guys, it's your new owner – WTF is that on your desk?'
Oi, London thief. We KNOW what you're doing - our PRECRIME system warned us
Aye, shipmate, it be just like that Minority Report
prev story

Whitepapers

A strategic approach to identity relationship management
ForgeRock commissioned Forrester to evaluate companies’ IAM practices and requirements when it comes to customer-facing scenarios versus employee-facing ones.
Storage capacity and performance optimization at Mizuno USA
Mizuno USA turn to Tegile storage technology to solve both their SAN and backup issues.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
Beginner's guide to SSL certificates
De-mystify the technology involved and give you the information you need to make the best decision when considering your online security options.
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.