Feeds

Once-in-a-lifetime gag tops Fringe quip list

Tim Vine secures best joke crown

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

Dave TV has honoured Tim Vine with its Joke of the Fringe award - the annual celebration of the Best of Edinburgh quippery.

"Pun punditt" Vine beat off some stiff opposition with: ''I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.''

Eight comedy critics sat through "60 performances, totalling 3,600 minutes of comedy material", and selected 24 gags to go forward to a public vote. Here are the top ten which tickled the ribs of the hoi polloi:

  1. Tim Vine: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."
  2. David Gibson (as Ray Green): "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."
  3. Emo Philips: "I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them."
  4. Jack Whitehall: "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought' - I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."
  5. Gary Delaney: "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."
  6. John Bishop: "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."
  7. Bo Burnham: "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."
  8. Gary Delaney: "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."
  9. Robert White: "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates - empty."
  10. Gareth Richards: "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub."

Tim VineA chuffed Vine (pictured) said of the award: "I'm going to celebrate by going to Sooty's barbecue and having a sweepsteak."

One man who won't be enjoying a sweepsteak is last year's winner Dan Antopolski. Despite impressing in 2009 with "Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?", this time around he found himself on the worst joke roster with: "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."

Also named and shamed were Sara Pascoe ("Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side.") and Emo Phillips ("I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.")

The Beeb has more here. ®

Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops

More from The Register

next story
Holy vintage vehicles! Earliest known official Batmobile goes on sale
Riddle me this: are you prepared to pay US$180k?
'Open source just means big companies can steal your code.' O RLY?
Plus: Flame of the Week returns, for one night only!
'It is comforting to know where your data centres are.' UK.GOV does NOT
Plus: Anons are 'wannabes', KKK says, before being pwned
Hey, you, PHONE-FACE! Kickstarter in-car mobe mount will EMBED your phone into your MUG
Stick it on the steering wheel and wait for the airbag to fire
NEWSFLASH: It's time to ditch dullard Facebook chums
Everything hot in tech, courtesy of avian anchor Regina Eggbert
Criticism of Uber's journo-Data Analytics plan is an Attack on DIGITAL FREEDOM
First they came for Emil – and I'm damn well SPEAKING OUT
Bible THUMP: Good Book beats Darwin to most influential tome title
Folio Society crowns fittest of surviving volumes
U wot? Silicon Roundabout set to become Silicon U-BEND
Crap-spouting London upstarts to get permanent road closure
prev story

Whitepapers

Choosing cloud Backup services
Demystify how you can address your data protection needs in your small- to medium-sized business and select the best online backup service to meet your needs.
Getting started with customer-focused identity management
Learn why identity is a fundamental requirement to digital growth, and how without it there is no way to identify and engage customers in a meaningful way.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
Choosing a cloud hosting partner with confidence
Download Choosing a Cloud Hosting Provider with Confidence to learn more about cloud computing - the new opportunities and new security challenges.
Storage capacity and performance optimization at Mizuno USA
Mizuno USA turn to Tegile storage technology to solve both their SAN and backup issues.