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Once-in-a-lifetime gag tops Fringe quip list

Tim Vine secures best joke crown

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Dave TV has honoured Tim Vine with its Joke of the Fringe award - the annual celebration of the Best of Edinburgh quippery.

"Pun punditt" Vine beat off some stiff opposition with: ''I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.''

Eight comedy critics sat through "60 performances, totalling 3,600 minutes of comedy material", and selected 24 gags to go forward to a public vote. Here are the top ten which tickled the ribs of the hoi polloi:

  1. Tim Vine: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."
  2. David Gibson (as Ray Green): "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."
  3. Emo Philips: "I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them."
  4. Jack Whitehall: "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought' - I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."
  5. Gary Delaney: "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."
  6. John Bishop: "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."
  7. Bo Burnham: "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."
  8. Gary Delaney: "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."
  9. Robert White: "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates - empty."
  10. Gareth Richards: "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub."

Tim VineA chuffed Vine (pictured) said of the award: "I'm going to celebrate by going to Sooty's barbecue and having a sweepsteak."

One man who won't be enjoying a sweepsteak is last year's winner Dan Antopolski. Despite impressing in 2009 with "Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?", this time around he found himself on the worst joke roster with: "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."

Also named and shamed were Sara Pascoe ("Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side.") and Emo Phillips ("I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.")

The Beeb has more here. ®

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