Head App Store plod punts farts 'n' wiz
Another Jobsian embarrassment
The director of Apple's App Store appears to be a tasteless boor with a penchant for bestial flatulence and extended periods of exuberant wee-wee.
According to a Wednesday Wired report, the head of the App Store has dropped his own load of infantile scatology into what Wired, tongue in gagging cheek, describes as the "vast, steaming heap of inanity" over which he reigns.
Phillip Shoemaker, whom Wired identifies as Apple's App Store boss, and whose Linkedin profile identifies as Cupertino's "Director Applications Technology", appears to be a prolific purveyor of piss 'n' poot in stupid iPhone/Pod/Pad apps.
And by stupid, we know of what we speak. When researching our May 2009 article, "iPhone apps - the 10 smartest and the 10 stupidest", we hacked our way through the vast wasteland of rank vapidity contained in the iTunes App Store in our quest to ferret out the stupidest of the stupid.
Shoemaker's apps would have fit right in. According to Wired, Shoemaker is the driving force behind GrayNoodle LLC, publisher of such ... well ... stupid apps as iWiz, Animal Farts, Blue Flame, and more.
The Reg pauses to assure you, dear reader, that we have no truck with those who would decry all forms of stupidity. We pride ourselves, in fact, on our ability to recognize and honor a well-played bit of foolishness, a flash of inspired — or inspiring — idiocy, or even a jaw-dropping display of unintelligable madness.
But doltishness has no value in our canon.
And so leaving entirely aside the fact that Shoemaker is the Sergeant of the App Store police and the possible improprieties of a developer of arguably überstupid apps being the gatekeeper of Apple's rigid "No Sex, Please: We're Cupertinian" propriety, let us instead examine three examples of his contributions to the App Store, including some of the fine marketing verbiage that accompany them. Stupid, or not stupid?
First, iWiz, an app that provides accelerometer-controlled audio of urination. Such fun!
- "Simulate the experience of urinating for a long time. Convince your friends that you'll never stop."
- "Even has a Fart Threshold slider to simulate the accidentals!"
By "accidentals", we doubt that Shoemaker intended a witty reference to the flats and sharps not stipulated by a musical composition's key signature. But we could be wrong. We're cynical that way.
Tilt and swivel your device to control the stream — just like in real life!
Then there's the stunningly minimalist Animal Farts, in which the tap of a button releases a brown cloud over the nether regions of a crude animation. Oh, and a Wiz audio feature is also supported — let's not waste a good sound effect, eh?
- "An easy to use application, targeted for anyone interested in hearing and feeling the natural sounds of animal gas.
- "What other application has animations to make you scoff or laugh?"
Well, "scoff" is a distinct possibility, if not a response unique to Animal Farts. "Laugh", on the other hand, is a less-likely outcome.
No, that tasteful left image isn't Wallace Shawn after his delightfully urbane Dinner with Andre
There are others in the GrayNoodle's stable of stupidity, but we'll stop with Blue Flame, an app — as near as we could tell, since we weren't about to blow a buck on it — that merely displays a blue flame.
- "Offer to light a girl's cigarette, NOT."
- "The one major difference between THEIR flame app and ours? Our flame is blue!"
Who knew that there was such fevered competition among stupid flame apps? And GrayNoodle is proud of its blueness — after all, they crow: "Why a blue flame? Well, we all know what a blue flame is."
And this guy is running the App Store police? That's stupid. ®
The Apple and the Original Sin
Think about it - isn't Apple (TM) actually a symbol of puritan guilt. It reminds the user that in order to use the computer to acquire knowledge one is renacting Adam accepting the 'Apple' from the tree of knowledge. Don't feel guilty fanbois, but you've just taken the apple, re-enactd the original sin, the fall of mankind, the price of knowledge.
If that sounds like academic toss it's because I taught the sociology of religion for a while. One of the little generalisations I seem to remember is the protestant/puritan attitude to the bod.
Protestant/Puritans have too many hangups concerning sex. So instead Puritans laugh at their bodies. And scatalogical humour is a part of that.
The thing is, that Apple is totally a Puritan company, fanbois are essentially puritan in that wierd minimalist chic that they do. A puritan computer is as plain as a Quaker meeting, it is pared down, it tries not to be fancy or ostentatious and glows from the inner light (TM). A 'catholic computer' is my vista machine with lots of dark corners and wierd ports, the mystery of windows crashing and all that.
Speaking from unfortunate experience, Apple users M+F are all bad lovers but they on average have more designer tattoos than Windows users, so this is clear evidence that they have a kinky relationship with their body. But what's wrong with letting the app store cater to that?
Paris, because you wouldn't too feel guilty afterwards...
App stands for Application
My understanding, until Apple distorted the meaning, was that App was short form for application, some software that performed a useful task.
Apple in claiming it has more Apps than anyone is really and Job's slight of hand. How can any software emulating human flatulence or simulating women's breast movements even be considered an App?
Mah-jong and some other games might just qualify as they do bestow some benefits on users.
Everyone knows that every app in the Apple App Store (AAS) is a gem of undeniable Jobsian brilliance! Otherwise, why would anyone continually use "total number of apps available" as an indication of value?
Wait! Blue flame - I've got it!
The Blue Flame SO fits here - The Register editors obviously have withered in an overprotective environment, one deprived of my cousin Keith. On those fun family weekends long ago when the girls all stayed in cousin Linda's room, and all the boys crashed in Keith's room while the parents partied and got polluted in the living room...
Keith would dim the lights, drop his pj's and sit on the floor and light a match. Then he would lift his legs and roll back, holding the match by his arse and rip a fart. Now THAT'S a blue flame. A few of those brought out a richness in the air that was something.
"doltishness has no value in our canon"
You sir, have single-handedly raised The Reg's literary credibility by a tittle. Mayhaps a jot.