Brits trump Ruskies with flying horse
Parasailing donkey? Pah
We're delighted to report that the RAF have shown Russian donkey dangler Vasily Gorobets - the man responsible for the Sea of Azov airborne ass - just how it's really done.
Gorobets defiantly laughed in the face of international outrage at his asinine parasailing stunt, and declared: "I'm a hero. Nobody has ever flown a donkey before."
Pah. If you want to do it in style, try slinging a horse under a Sea King helicopter.
Yes indeed, it's pints all round for the flyboys of RAF Boulmer who last week hauled the beast from mud close to Holy Island causeway. The poor creature was trapped for three hours as the rising tide threatened to dispatch it to the great pasture in the sky.
All attempts to free the animal having failed, the RAF was on hand to airlift the ailing equine to safety, in the process demonstrating that while any idiot can hitch a donkey to a parasail, it takes proper class to pull off a flying horse.* ®
* We were going to rephrase that, but then images of a youthful Brigitte Bardot inexplicably came to mind.
Thanks to Stephen Lloyd for the tip-off.
A journo of my acquaintance ...
... managed to hijack the placards for the Sandwell edition of the Express & Star and plastered that part of the West Midlands with the news:, "PRINCESS ANNE TOSSED OFF HORSE". (It related to the rider in question being ejected from her saddle, but this still counts as the best day's work done by anyone I know).
And all the 'nay-sayers' said it couldn't be done.
Go on animal lovers, try to stop our mane force of flying horses and donkeys! There's hee-haw that you can do about it!
Mine's the one made out of horsehair mate.
Upping the ante
Horses, donkeys, ponies, asses, mules, whataver.
What we need to do here is start an equally harmless sequel to the cold war, in which all the competing countries fly successions of ever larger and more bizarre animals. It will drive industry for the next 50 years.
If it were up to me, my next move after a horse would be to fly a giraffe. I'd also get a Harrier on standby to tether a herd of ostriches on elasticated rope and help them become the first flying-in-formation flock, right over the Palace of Westminster on the day the Queen opens Parliament. Imagine seeing that flashed up on Sky News.
It could all end with two Zeppelins holding up a huge tarpaulin between them carrying a blue whale, drawn on the ground along the course of the Thames by elephants ridden by small monkeys in suits and gipsy hats. The RAF could keep flying over them, perfectly targeting the whale with a series of waterbombs to stop it drying out. It would all be very symbolic (not to mention intimidating) to the Russian audience.
Oh, and sending animals into space is nothing new, but bringing them back is less common. I propose that Britain should get those rocket scientists from Top Gear to send a wooden stick into orbit. Then the Government should launch a border collie into space, complete with a specially designed space suit, to do the world's first space doggie walk, retrieve the stick and safely return to Earth. Preferebly, touching down in Hyde Park. But knowing the Russians, they'd probably respond by sending a dog to the moon to (literally) mark its territory.