Feeds

'It's as though I've got Jonathan Ive's personal tool in my...'

Uuuh! Uuuh! ... Ohh goddd

Security for virtualized datacentres

The delicious tumult that surrounds each new release of Jobsian product is enough to make many adults, otherwise a bit weepy and mopesome, positively gush and wobble - and I should know.

That some spurt incontinently with excited happiness and others squeal in painful outrage (ooh!) is quite irrelevant, it is the fascinating intensity of the group response that is so joyously satisfying. For the Mister Grumpies all must feel the lash (teehee, and don't we love it!); newspapers, the blogosphere, the lovely BBC and most of all lovely lovely me for joyousy accepting Steve Jobs' puppeteering hand and wriggling ecstatically upon it like the freebie advertising shillwhores that we are.

Why should these iPads and iPhones be front page news, the curmudgeonly old pooper puffer frothers froth, when there are so many better, cheaper gizmos out there, not riddled with Jobsian control and copyright ware, not designed expressly as remotely operated machines to rip yet more money out of their supposed "owners"?

And isn’t there something (deliciously!) creepy about Apple’s (sexy!) cultiness and the (domineering! Oh somebody stop me ... Uh ... uuh) closed ecosystem of their apps and stores? The anti-Applers see pretension and folly everywhere and don't they just want the world to know it, tra la.

But we enthusiastic splurters don’t really mind, we just want to get our hands and other parts of our bodies on what we perceive as hugely desirable objects that simply make us happy.

The two sides will simply never agree, the whole thing has become an ideological stand-off: the anti-Fruit side has too much stiff pride to be able to unbend (ooh!) while Fruity fanbois have too much money invested in their special orgasmic toys to back down (squee!)

It's all simply too, too excitingly rude for words and seems to get hotter every week.

Anyway, tra la, iPhone 4 is now absolutely in our midst darlings. It is only a year since many will have stretched themselves to the limit for the iPhone 3GS and their eyes may still be watering. Much as 3GS with OS 3.0 released simultaneously - so satisfying for everyone - so iPhone 4 comes with (U-uuh! ... more clean pants please, Roberto!) iOS 4.0, which will be able to bring some, but not all of its unbearable goodness to the older community (but not the iPhone 2G! Teehee, coming too early means less satisfaction).

Anyway, darlings, let's get on to the meat. iPhone 4 is a strokable, lickable object of rare beauty. It is noticeably slimmer but a trifle heavier (ooh!) than predecessors, and its palpable new heft only adds to the profound feeling of brutal mastery that the device exudes. Sharper edged, its virility is knuckle-bitingly girt by a stainless steel band which strikingly enhances the raw, rude strength of its emissions - not to mention adding a certain sizzling metallic frisson to its vibration mode (Oops, I did it again! I'll just sit down pantless for a bit actually, Roberto, until my battery runs down).

With this device in my hand I feel that I am holding its designer Jonathan Ive’s personal tool. Ive is surely one of the most gifted (oh it's twoo! It's twoo!) designers Britain has ever given forth and iPhone 4 may as well be his master piece.

But this is the modern world, children. Apple have produced, and third parties will doubtless emulate and improve, rubberised wrap-around prophylactics for iPhone4 play called (so naughtily!) Bumpers (squeal! Look back over out-thrust bottom under lowered eyelashes with finger on lips!) These easily slip round the handset affording what will probably be regarded as much needed protection. They come in all kinds of colours (!) and give the device great resilience (during a steamy group session I have seen an Apple executive gleefully hurling his bumpered iPhone 4 across the room). Slippery rubber casings may diminish the pleasure a trifle, but it’s a compromise many will make so as to avoid filthiness and damage to their treasured happiness tools.

Without a memory card slot, swappable battery, tethering, ability to make calls or access networks while touching oneself in a special place, without any freedom to do anything with one's own equipment unless master approves, Apple has once more leapfrogged backwards over the competition. Ghastly, boring old Windows, amazed at the way Apple have managed to make extreme content bondage, direct wallet drain and unbelievable levels of built-in remote control by large corporations sexy, will shortly follow suit.

Truly, Apple's pornstar quality is irresistible. ®

Bootnote

This makes a lot more sense once you've read the iPhone 4 reviews by one well known technology opinion-leader here and here.

We would hazard a guess that Mr Pie hasn't suffered from the reception/special-touching issues reported by others because he is followed around by an Apple employee carrying his own personal femtocell.

Beginner's guide to SSL certificates

More from The Register

next story
Facebook's Zuckerberg in EBOLA VIRUS FIGHT: Billionaire battles bug
US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention contacted as site supremo coughs up
Space exploration is just so lame. NEW APPS are mankind's future
We feel obliged to point out the headline statement is total, utter cobblers
Down-under record: Australian gets $140k for pussy
'Tiffany' closes deal - 'it's more common to offer your wife', says agent
Internet finally ready to replace answering machine cassette tape
It's a simple message and I'm leaving out the whistles and bells
FedEx helps deliver THOUSANDS of spam messages DIRECT to its Blighty customers
Don't worry Wilson, I'll do all the paddling. You just hang on
The iPAD launch BEFORE it happened: SPECULATIVE GUFF ahead of actual event
Nerve-shattering run-up to the pre-planned known event
Win a year’s supply of chocolate (no tech knowledge required)
Over £200 worth of the good stuff up for grabs
STONER SHEEP get the MUNCHIES after feasting on £4k worth of cannabis plants
Baaaaaa! Fanny's Farm's woolly flock is high, maaaaaan
Boffins who stare at goats: I do believe they’re SHRINKING
Alpine chamois being squashed by global warming
Adorkable overshare of words like photobomb in this year's dictionaries
And hipsters are finally defined as self-loathing. Sort of
prev story

Whitepapers

Cloud and hybrid-cloud data protection for VMware
Learn how quick and easy it is to configure backups and perform restores for VMware environments.
A strategic approach to identity relationship management
ForgeRock commissioned Forrester to evaluate companies’ IAM practices and requirements when it comes to customer-facing scenarios versus employee-facing ones.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
Three 1TB solid state scorchers up for grabs
Big SSDs can be expensive but think big and think free because you could be the lucky winner of one of three 1TB Samsung SSD 840 EVO drives that we’re giving away worth over £300 apiece.
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.