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'It's as though I've got Jonathan Ive's personal tool in my...'

Uuuh! Uuuh! ... Ohh goddd

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The delicious tumult that surrounds each new release of Jobsian product is enough to make many adults, otherwise a bit weepy and mopesome, positively gush and wobble - and I should know.

That some spurt incontinently with excited happiness and others squeal in painful outrage (ooh!) is quite irrelevant, it is the fascinating intensity of the group response that is so joyously satisfying. For the Mister Grumpies all must feel the lash (teehee, and don't we love it!); newspapers, the blogosphere, the lovely BBC and most of all lovely lovely me for joyousy accepting Steve Jobs' puppeteering hand and wriggling ecstatically upon it like the freebie advertising shillwhores that we are.

Why should these iPads and iPhones be front page news, the curmudgeonly old pooper puffer frothers froth, when there are so many better, cheaper gizmos out there, not riddled with Jobsian control and copyright ware, not designed expressly as remotely operated machines to rip yet more money out of their supposed "owners"?

And isn’t there something (deliciously!) creepy about Apple’s (sexy!) cultiness and the (domineering! Oh somebody stop me ... Uh ... uuh) closed ecosystem of their apps and stores? The anti-Applers see pretension and folly everywhere and don't they just want the world to know it, tra la.

But we enthusiastic splurters don’t really mind, we just want to get our hands and other parts of our bodies on what we perceive as hugely desirable objects that simply make us happy.

The two sides will simply never agree, the whole thing has become an ideological stand-off: the anti-Fruit side has too much stiff pride to be able to unbend (ooh!) while Fruity fanbois have too much money invested in their special orgasmic toys to back down (squee!)

It's all simply too, too excitingly rude for words and seems to get hotter every week.

Anyway, tra la, iPhone 4 is now absolutely in our midst darlings. It is only a year since many will have stretched themselves to the limit for the iPhone 3GS and their eyes may still be watering. Much as 3GS with OS 3.0 released simultaneously - so satisfying for everyone - so iPhone 4 comes with (U-uuh! ... more clean pants please, Roberto!) iOS 4.0, which will be able to bring some, but not all of its unbearable goodness to the older community (but not the iPhone 2G! Teehee, coming too early means less satisfaction).

Anyway, darlings, let's get on to the meat. iPhone 4 is a strokable, lickable object of rare beauty. It is noticeably slimmer but a trifle heavier (ooh!) than predecessors, and its palpable new heft only adds to the profound feeling of brutal mastery that the device exudes. Sharper edged, its virility is knuckle-bitingly girt by a stainless steel band which strikingly enhances the raw, rude strength of its emissions - not to mention adding a certain sizzling metallic frisson to its vibration mode (Oops, I did it again! I'll just sit down pantless for a bit actually, Roberto, until my battery runs down).

With this device in my hand I feel that I am holding its designer Jonathan Ive’s personal tool. Ive is surely one of the most gifted (oh it's twoo! It's twoo!) designers Britain has ever given forth and iPhone 4 may as well be his master piece.

But this is the modern world, children. Apple have produced, and third parties will doubtless emulate and improve, rubberised wrap-around prophylactics for iPhone4 play called (so naughtily!) Bumpers (squeal! Look back over out-thrust bottom under lowered eyelashes with finger on lips!) These easily slip round the handset affording what will probably be regarded as much needed protection. They come in all kinds of colours (!) and give the device great resilience (during a steamy group session I have seen an Apple executive gleefully hurling his bumpered iPhone 4 across the room). Slippery rubber casings may diminish the pleasure a trifle, but it’s a compromise many will make so as to avoid filthiness and damage to their treasured happiness tools.

Without a memory card slot, swappable battery, tethering, ability to make calls or access networks while touching oneself in a special place, without any freedom to do anything with one's own equipment unless master approves, Apple has once more leapfrogged backwards over the competition. Ghastly, boring old Windows, amazed at the way Apple have managed to make extreme content bondage, direct wallet drain and unbelievable levels of built-in remote control by large corporations sexy, will shortly follow suit.

Truly, Apple's pornstar quality is irresistible. ®

Bootnote

This makes a lot more sense once you've read the iPhone 4 reviews by one well known technology opinion-leader here and here.

We would hazard a guess that Mr Pie hasn't suffered from the reception/special-touching issues reported by others because he is followed around by an Apple employee carrying his own personal femtocell.

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