Feeds

Middle-aged sex: The X-rated photo guide

We make the effort, so you don't have to

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

When you do get back to work, and are taking a few quiet minutes while your colleagues are at lunch to check whether your beringed teats have indeed landed on the interwebs, you might as well check out that Natalie Portman pornalike vid site.

What you shouldn't do, though, is attempt to crack one off under the desk. Why? Because you're not 25 any more, and you're going to crash out mid-shuffle, just as the girls from human resources are passing on "bring your kid to work day":

You're caught at your desk asleep in front of a Natalie Portman pornalike site

Ok, but look on the bright side: now you're spared the stress of having a job, there's a chance you might recover sufficient va-va-voom to get back on the job.

But where the spirit is willing, the flesh is weak. Here's the death of the beast with two backs, caused by massive coronary failure just as you were working up a good head of steam:

Emergency services attend scene of sex-induced heart attack

Fire brigade professionals, backed by police, doctors, paramedics and community support operatives armed with tea have moved with lightning speed to free your hysterical wife from under your immobile bulk. Make no mistake, one of those people has a mobile phone, and this is going to prove hugely popular on YouTube.

Top 5 reasons to deploy VMware with Tegile

Next page: Related stories

More from The Register

next story
Win a year’s supply of chocolate (no tech knowledge required)
Over £200 worth of the good stuff up for grabs
Facebook's Zuckerberg in EBOLA VIRUS FIGHT: Billionaire battles bug
US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention contacted as site supremo coughs up
Space exploration is just so lame. NEW APPS are mankind's future
We feel obliged to point out the headline statement is total, utter cobblers
Red Bull does NOT give you wings, $13.5m lawsuit says so
Website letting consumers claim $10 cash back crashes after stampede
Down-under record: Australian gets $140k for pussy
'Tiffany' closes deal - 'it's more common to offer your wife', says agent
Internet finally ready to replace answering machine cassette tape
It's a simple message and I'm leaving out the whistles and bells
Swiss wildlife park serves up furry residents to visitors
'It's ecological' says spokesman, now how would you like your Bambi done?
The iPAD launch BEFORE it happened: SPECULATIVE GUFF ahead of actual event
Nerve-shattering run-up to the pre-planned known event
STONER SHEEP get the MUNCHIES after feasting on £4k worth of cannabis plants
Baaaaaa! Fanny's Farm's woolly flock is high, maaaaaan
prev story

Whitepapers

Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
Win a year’s supply of chocolate
There is no techie angle to this competition so we're not going to pretend there is, but everyone loves chocolate so who cares.
Why cloud backup?
Combining the latest advancements in disk-based backup with secure, integrated, cloud technologies offer organizations fast and assured recovery of their critical enterprise data.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
Saudi Petroleum chooses Tegile storage solution
A storage solution that addresses company growth and performance for business-critical applications of caseware archive and search along with other key operational systems.