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Middle-aged sex: The X-rated photo guide

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Shagging in the dark is, of course, an effective way of sparing your partner the sight of your decrepit, sagging flesh. Let's be honest, it's the decent thing to do, but if you think you can keep it under wraps indefinitely, think again...

Going through the airport perv scanner

Yup, sooner or later, you're going to be politely invited to step into an airport perv scanner, where millimetre waves will lovingly map every flaccid contour for perusal by a highly-trained security operative.

Or rather, millimetre waves will lovingly map every flaccid contour for the entertainment of delighted staff, including a couple of passing baggage handlers, who've just spotted those nipple rings you had done one Saturday afternoon when the mid-life crisis bit hard and you'd spent a mournful morning in the shed downing beer and listening to your old Clash CDs.

Your image viewed on the perv scanner, to the delight of operatives

Still, once the pictures pop up on the internet, there's a reasonably good chance that no one at work will recognise you, isn't there?

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