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NSFW Our recent sobering piece on middle-aged sex, indicating that after 45 it's downhill all the way between the sheets, prompted some of you to request, nay demand, the traditional El Reg guide.

Naturally, we're happy to oblige. Those of you who are already spiralling uncontrollably towards old timerdom will probably greet what follows with a rueful, knowing shake of the head. The whippersnappers out there should take note, because before you know it you too will be kipping on the job, as our first scene demonstrates:

Whoops, sorry - forgot to turn on the night vision camera:

Yes indeed. Eighty-five per cent of "older" couples restrict their limited sexual activity to the bedroom, while 64 per cent "only make love with the lights off".

Or not, as the case may be. Here, our shattered subject has fallen asleep with his cocoa, lacking even the energy to whip off his slippers. His missus, who's spent all week at step aerobic classes working up to the Saturday-night 22 minutes of hot luuurv action, is none too pleased.

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