Feeds

Middle-aged sex: The X-rated photo guide

We make the effort, so you don't have to

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

NSFW Our recent sobering piece on middle-aged sex, indicating that after 45 it's downhill all the way between the sheets, prompted some of you to request, nay demand, the traditional El Reg guide.

Naturally, we're happy to oblige. Those of you who are already spiralling uncontrollably towards old timerdom will probably greet what follows with a rueful, knowing shake of the head. The whippersnappers out there should take note, because before you know it you too will be kipping on the job, as our first scene demonstrates:

A completely black frame, sorry about that

Whoops, sorry - forgot to turn on the night vision camera:

Our night-vision image of the average middle-aged sex session

Yes indeed. Eighty-five per cent of "older" couples restrict their limited sexual activity to the bedroom, while 64 per cent "only make love with the lights off".

Or not, as the case may be. Here, our shattered subject has fallen asleep with his cocoa, lacking even the energy to whip off his slippers. His missus, who's spent all week at step aerobic classes working up to the Saturday-night 22 minutes of hot luuurv action, is none too pleased.

Beginner's guide to SSL certificates

More from The Register

next story
Oi, London thief. We KNOW what you're doing - our PRECRIME system warned us
Aye, shipmate, it be just like that Minority Report
WRISTJOB LOVE BONANZA: justWatch sex app promises blind date hookups
Mankind shuffles into the future, five fingers at a time
Every billionaire needs a PANZER TANK, right? STOP THERE, Paul Allen
Angry Microsoftie hauls auctioneers to court over stalled Pzkw. IV 'deal'
Apple's Mr Havisham: Tim Cook says dead Steve Jobs' office has remained untouched
'I literally think about him every day' says biz baron's old friend
Cops apologise for leaving EXPLOSIVES in suitcase at airport
'Canine training exercise' SNAFU sees woman take home booming baggage
Flaming drone batteries ground commercial flight before takeoff
Passenger had Something To Declare, instead fiddled while plane burned
prev story

Whitepapers

Providing a secure and efficient Helpdesk
A single remote control platform for user support is be key to providing an efficient helpdesk. Retain full control over the way in which screen and keystroke data is transmitted.
WIN a very cool portable ZX Spectrum
Win a one-off portable Spectrum built by legendary hardware hacker Ben Heck
Saudi Petroleum chooses Tegile storage solution
A storage solution that addresses company growth and performance for business-critical applications of caseware archive and search along with other key operational systems.
Protecting users from Firesheep and other Sidejacking attacks with SSL
Discussing the vulnerabilities inherent in Wi-Fi networks, and how using TLS/SSL for your entire site will assure security.
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.